


Destiel Soulmate AU: Where The Horizon Ends

by AnimeKat3



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Michifer - Freeform, Sabriel - Freeform, majorcharacterdeath
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-03-26 01:45:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13847475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnimeKat3/pseuds/AnimeKat3
Summary: In a world where when soulmates write on themselves it appears on the other, Castiel is struggling. Beautiful, intricate designs begin to cover his forearms each day, and his soulmate finally begins communicating with him."You’re beautiful. I’ve seen you so many times, and each time I look, you become more beautiful. I’m lucky to have you as a soulmate. I’m sorry I can’t tell you who I am. You’d never guess and I may never say. But I want you to know that I really do want you."Castiel's soulmate gives him the opportunity to find him, but in order to do so, he must uncover the meaning behind one clue each day for twelve days (the last being December 24th). If he doesn't, he may never find out because his soulmate will be GONE and he'll have to live alone in a world without color. Will Castiel be able to figure out his soulmate's clues? We all know who Castiel's soulmate is, but if he finds out too, how would it happen? What would life be like if he never found out? Or better yet, should he WANT to find out in the first place?Read "Where The Horizon Ends" to find the answers.WARNING: Self Harm, Mild Language, Some Violence & Manipulation. Read at your own risk.





	1. The Beginning of Clues

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Hiya, hunters and angels! How are you? Good? Good! This is my first fan-fiction for AO3 and I'm pretty excited to get writing. I will respect constructive criticism but please be kind, not only to me but to everyone who works very hard to write for this amazing website. Anyways, I hope you enjoy my story and thank you for reading!

“Your soulmate’s an awesome artist,” someone murmured to Castiel, glancing over his shoulder at the seventeen year old’s arm. Unique, beautiful designs worked their way up Castiel’s arm with bright, illuminating colors. Usually his soulmate didn’t write any messages. One or two a month, but each time it was only a word or two surrounded by some sort of design. Once, she wrote the word “exotic,” with wildflowers worked into the letters. Another time she wrote “mi amour” in calligraphy all inside one huge red and pink heart. 

But this time was different. Castiel’s fingertips had began as single colored designs, but as he looked up his arm, designs became more intricate. Go up even further and you’d see pictures of people, sometimes animals, with symbolism. It was a wonder how someone could draw these beautiful things.

Castiel knew they were in the same High School, because his wrists were always hot (which was an indication that they were physically close in location). But he didn’t know of anyone who had such artistic abilities. He wasn’t really friends with that crowd, anyways. Mostly he kept to himself, but sometimes he’d participate in student council meetings because his brothers made him tag along. 

Today, there weren’t just pictures. There was a really long message in perfect calligraphy starting from the top of his left hand to his elbow. That means my soulmate is right-handed, he thought with a hint of hope. He read it as it appeared on his pale skin:

'You’re beautiful. I’ve seen you so many times, and each time I look, you become more beautiful. I’m lucky to have you as a soulmate. I’m sorry I can’t tell you who I am. You’d never guess and I may never say. But I want you to know that I really do want you.'

Castiel’s angelic heart broke into several pieces. He wasn’t going to find his soulmate? That wasn’t fair! Anyone who didn’t find their soulmate past the age of twenty-one (which barely anyone was unlucky about this), lost the ability to see colors. Their skin turned an ugly grayish color too. He wasn’t ready to face that possibility. 

Castiel grabbed a pen off his desk and began scribbling on his own arm below the message. 

'I want you too. I wish you would tell me who you are. Why won’t you?' Castiel asked, patiently waiting for his soulmate’s interesting reply. 

'I can’t. You couldn’t possibly understand why, but I do wish it was possible.'

'Aren’t you concerned you’ll lose the ability to see color?'

'Of course. And I’m sorry for being selfish. Damn, it’s not fair. I’ll make you a deal. If you can guess who I am, I will find a way to make it work. No matter the cost.'

'How long do I have to guess?'

'The Christmas dance is in twelve days. If you know who I am, you’ll be there. I won’t show myself until you scribble my name down correctly. First, middle, and last.'

Anxiety clawed at Castiel’s insides. Twelve days. That was all the time he had to figure out who he would spend the rest of his life with. If he didn’t figure it out, he would spend the rest of his life seeing black and white. Lonely. Desolate.

'I’ll figure it out. Twelve days? Deal.'

Castiel’s message showed the exact opposite of the amount of confidence he actually possessed. He pretended to be sure, when in reality he was being torn apart by apprehension. 

'Oh, and my drawings don’t bother you, do they?'

'Of course not. They’re lovely.'

'Good. I’ll keep drawing then.'

Castiel smiled brightly and accidentally smudged the word lovely. He sighed and laid his head down on the desk, his entire arm now beautifully designed. That was enough exhaustion for the day. Definitely enough anxiety.

For the rest of the day, he couldn’t stop thinking about his task. He caught a glimpse of every girl he had class with, none of the ones without sleeves had any artistic drawings up their arms. A few wore sweatshirts so he wrote their names down for future reference. 

Then he printed out a list of all the girls in his year, crossing off all the names he knew for sure wouldn’t be his soulmate. He put a few question marks by the ones that wore sleeves. He sighed as he realized there weren’t very many left on his list. 

Eventually, as Castiel finished last period, he was at a loss for thought. He’d managed to check everyone’s arms, and none of them had beautiful artwork. Well, some of them did, but he could tell it wasn’t his soulmate’s style of drawing. Mostly there were little notes like “hello” or little hearts and flowers. Some of the girls’ soulmates drew dicks all over their arms, which they did their best to conceal but to no avail. He laughed a little when he saw that because it was such an immature joke for juniors.

Castiel sat on the steps of the large entrance to his school, resting his head between his knees. He made sure to keep his earbuds in his ears, listening to a variety of music from country to pop to rock. Castiel caught a glimpse of his wrist and saw his soulmate’s calligraphy appearing slowly. 

'You’re looking in the wrong place.'

Castiel’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. How did his soulmate know what he was doing? 'What is that supposed to mean?' He wrote back.

'I’ve just thought of something. Tomorrow would give you twelve days to figure me out. On each day, I’ll give you a hint, okay?'

'Okay! Thank you.' Castiel grinned from ear to ear. With a few hints, he’d surely be able to find his soulmate! Things were beginning to look a little brighter. The next piece of writing appeared much slower, but it was beautiful handwriting nonetheless. 

'To start you off, I am male. Begin your quest, you may not want to fail.'

'You’re… not a girl?' Castiel almost gasped aloud on the steps in front of everyone who passed by him. His head started spinning. All his life, he grew up thinking he’d spend the rest of his life with a beautiful woman. He was not sure if he could love someone of the same gender. Could he? They were still soulmates. 

But his soulmate didn’t reply to his question. Instead, the beautiful drawings laced up his arms grew lighter in color, leaving only the slightest but possible visible amount of design. 

Now what was he going to do? He pressed his lips to an especially faded design, not realizing that he had left a visible mark on his soulmate’s skin as well as his own. Castiel let out a long, heavy sigh. He ignored everyone who walked past him, hoping that maybe they’d leave him alone too. 

There were so many things he wanted to ask this person that if he really wished it, he could cover his entire body with words. Then he remembered something he hadn’t thought about it in a long time. He had looked into the mirror and noticed something that made him question if he meant anything to his soulmate. 

Across the cheek was the brief outline of someone’s lips. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t wash it away. He didn’t bother thinking about the gender, the thought didn’t even cross his mind once. He remembered feeling such a deep emotion. His soulmate didn’t want him. 

Of course, hat thought had been assured wrong when his soulmate gave him answers. Castiel didn’t understand why they couldn’t just exchange names and finally meet. Most juniors had already found one another despite the rules that went along with their lives. Why waste time?

Castiel finally brought himself to leave his comfortable spot on the stairs. He couldn’t concentrate on his homework. And that night, like every other night, he would lie in bed, staring at his arm-- waiting. For designs to appear. Words, quotes,... anything. If he kept his eyes open long enough, he would always see a flower or two with vines trailing down his palms and onto his fingers.

But that night, something entirely different appeared on his arm.

*>Castiel<*

His heart rate increased rapidly. Castiel had a sickening thought. How did his soulmate know his name? 

Not only that, but his name was worked into a series of designs, the most noticeable being a brilliant pair of wings. His soulmate must think quite highly of him if he is so willing to portray his name as an angelic one. Then again, he was named after the Angel of Thursday. 

Still, Castiel’s soulmate was quite creative with the angelic touch. The fact remained that he couldn’t guess how his soulmate knew who he was and it would probably stay that way for quite some time. He watched the designs swirl around his fingers and his arms. 

To his shock, colors splashed onto his skin. That had never happened before, he’d only seen designs of black and white. Sure, there had been a large variety of drawings, but he’d never seen color until now What could it mean?

Beautiful colors, more vibrant than he’d ever seen them. Some shades of pink, others blue. Some lime green, others bright purple. One color, though, trialed vertically down his arm like a stream of water. Trickling red that didn’t stop until it reached the crease of his elbow. Castiel observed it silently, confusion clouding his thoughts as he drifted into a soft but troubling slumber.


	2. Green Eyes

Castiel opened his eyes and cast a glance at the clock hanging crookedly on his wall, he adjusted himself to the dimly lit room and sat up straight in his gigantic bed. 7:05am?! He’d slept in hours past what he was supposed to.

Scrambling through his morning routine, he nervously skipped a shower and grabbed an apple on the way out the door. He knew he had to be at school at 7 o’clock so he was only about seven minutes late. Castiel glanced at the watch on his wrist, which turned to 7:13 when he blinked. The watch had been his grandfather’s, and it meant a lot to him, but he rarely wore it. There were too many ink drawings on his arms to be observed, but when he woke up without any, he decided to wear the watch. 

Castiel managed to get into class undetected through the back door while the teacher was looking away. First period never really took attendance like they were suppose to and he sat in the back, so it wasn’t like he was going to be called out or anything.

Letting out a small grunt, he took notes from what he saw on the board, which was quite a distance away, but he could still see it due to his extremely reliable senses. 

Later that day, he decided to go out for lunch. But he didn’t go with any of his friends and he didn’t even grab any food. He knew a secret place with a beautiful view around the small group of trees beside his school that he hadn’t yet seen during the winter. It was a cleaning with a take, and it was usually alive with birds and flowers despite having been disregarded often. 

As Castiel rounded the corner of trees, he saw the lake for the first time in months. It was probably the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. The lake was covered with a crystal layer on the surface, and almost a snowy glow to it as well. The evergreen trees were as dark as ever, but this time around, snow covered their branches. The dead-ish grass had been frozen to a crisp, but the white tip coating on the flowers made up for that.

Castiel shivered a little, letting out a long breath, that became visible in the cold air.

Curiosity pricked at him. He’d seen so many people ice skate on lakes, and he thought it beautiful. Just being able to stand on the surface would be a dream come true. And why couldn’t he? The lake froze in the winter.

Castiel guessed about 20 minutes were left for lunch, so he decided to walk on the surface. That would’ve been plenty of time.

He was quite hesitant to press his foot against the surface as he peered into the water’s blue-white depths. He couldn’t tell how deep it was, because the ice was too blurry to see through the water. When he did, though, he felt a boost of confidence shoot up his legs. Castiel fully stepped out onto the ice, letting out a deep breath he didn’t think he had been holding in. 

For a moment, the entire world felt still. It felt as if the ice had crept upon the people, turning them into figurines. He couldn’t see anyone else, but he wasn’t really looking. The trees looked like they were doused with foam, or rather liquid glitter and the sparkle of the snow that had begun to fall amazed Castiel. He didn’t want to breathe and take away the magic of the silence, but the cold air came as a refreshment to his lungs. 

It's funny how the world can change in such a short amount of time. The light you cherish so deeply can turn black and the eruptions of laughter and happiness can fade into nothing in just a few seconds. 

It happened so quickly for Castiel that he didn't even have time to take a breath before plunging down, deeper and deeper into the cold darkness. 

Suddenly he couldn't feel his own arms and legs frantically trying to help him gain balance. He could only see a few of his nervously twitching fingers through the murky water. When he glanced up at the sky, all he could see was the darkness growing lighter and lighter. The only bit of sky that he could see with the only eye he kept open was a small fragment, obscured by the snow which had accelerated in its fall over time. 

Deeper.

The absence of air began to claw at Castiel's insides. He promptly became aware of the fact that if he didn't find air soon, he'd never reach the surface. And there wasn't any of that in the dark blue depths of the lake. He felt in shock. His mind had frozen and his entire body felt numb. Maybe his entire life had been a dream- maybe he wasn't real to begin with. Just a fading figure or a truck of the light in the dark blue waters. 

But that was before he felt the pierce of green eyes right through his soul. Someone's he'd seen before. His hand felt warm, stingingly and painfully warm. His eyes had already begun to shut. He gave up on seeing seconds after seeing the green light. 

His head bobbed forward and he felt a warm hand touch his cheek gently. His eyes were frozen shut but he wished he could open them. He wanted to see who had been inches away from his face. 

Castiel soon became unconscious, his body feeling weightless against the surface of the water as he was carried to safety. 

When he opened his eyes, Castiel felt a mixture of droplets of water and tears stream down his face. He began sputtering and puking up a ton of water, but when he vision cleared, he realized it wasn't on the ground. He Was in someone's arms and that person has a protective hold on him. Somehow the person didn't mind being puked on, and that confused Castiel, but as his heavy breaths became short ones, he decided not to care. 

Castiel felt a drugs of energy fly through him as his eyes met his rescuers. Those eyes, they seemed so familiar!! Where had he seen them before? But Castiel didn't have time to say thank you. His rescuer laid him down in the grass with a cost wrapped warmly around him and ran. 

He didn't catch the boy's name. But he would be forever grateful and in extreme debt to that person. And in that moment, he realized he really did need saving. 

Castiel closed his eyes and laid back down, shivering underneath the stranger’s leather jacket. He didn’t go back to school for the rest of the day and nobody else saw him.

When he awoke again and realized it was getting dark, he sat up and groaned. His breathing had calmed down hours ago, as did his heartbeat, but his mind sure as hell hadn’t. 

He walked back home alone and ignored the protests of his parents, who only compared his behavior to that of his siblings. He didn’t listen to them complain that he was becoming just as horrible and full of trouble as they were and how they expected more of him. 

“Castiel, don't you dare go up to that damned room of yours! Your father and I need to have a talk with you.” His mother yelled at him, realizing her tone as soon as she finished. She contemplated saying something but then noticed that Castiel had an unfamiliar coat draped across his shoulders. 

“Who's coat is that?” 

Castiel's eyes widened when he realized it was still lying on him. “I don't know.” He took off the coat, revealing his clothes that were only half dry. “Why are your clothes wet?” His father asked, jumping into the conversation. “I fell in the snow.” Castiel fibbed, crossing his fingers behind his back. “Yeah, so I have to go change.” He tried to use any excuse to go to his room. 

“Alright, but when you're done… come back down. We've got exciting news!” 

Castiel pushed the worry back down his throat. When his parents had good news, it… wasn't usually good news to him. He took his time changing his clothes and stared at the coat. Now where had he seen it before?? Oh, yeah. It was one of the sports jackets. Anyone who played stupid sports got one of them. 

He decided it was his job to figure out who had rescued him. Slowly he walked back down the stairs and into the dining room where dinner was already waiting. One of his other siblings, probably Michael, had placed the dinnerware on the table and he took note of his other siblings. 

Lucifer, the troublemaker, was sitting at the table with headphones, ignoring everyone else. Michael was still being responsible, helping his parents get things together for supper. The most childish brother Gabriel was writing excitedly on his wrist, and Castiel watched his face light up every time he paused to read the new writing. He wondered who Gabe’s soulmate was. Then he looked to the other side of the room and saw the door, which was slightly ajar. He figured it was simply for fresh air. The last person he noticed was Anna, the only girl (besides his mom). But she, too, was writing all over her arms. 

Castiel didn't catch anyone's attention so he took a seat at the table beside Lucifer. He thought about trying to talk to his soulmate but he chose to go against it and keep his hands folded together. He couldn’t concentrate on anything, anyways, because a pair of green eyes haunted his thoughts.

“Castiel, stop moping around and help Michael get the food like a good son!” Castiel’s father told him. He didn’t quite see why his parents had to be such jerks. If he wasn’t forced to eat, he would’ve just stayed in his room for the remainder of the night. He wasn’t going to eat more than a few bites. He could still taste the bitter ice water that littered his lungs. 

He stood from his chair, glaring at his other siblings who were allowed to do pretty much whatever they wanted to do, and tried to help. Michael, the oldest and according to their parents, the most important sibling was on a break from college. He was going to become some fancy big time engineer. Castiel did not like his elder brother very much. 

The rest of them didn’t have a clue what they were doing with their lives- especially Castiel. He was unnecessary to them and wished he could just disappear. 

Throughout dinner, Castiel nibbled a few bites and looked down at his plate. Why did everything have to be so complicated? He couldn’t focus on a single word uttered at the table and even though he wouldn’t want to, he would at least like to have a mind free from worries. “Alright, guys listen up!” His mother cleared her throat and told them to put their pens down. “The reason I wanted us to have this family dinner is because… you are all going to have a new baby brother or sister!!” She screeched, making Castiel’s head spin. Oh, joy, another one, Castiel thought, using every ounce of strength he had to not roll his eyes and smile. “Oh, isn’t that lovely?” Their dad rhetorically asked, engaging in conversation with Michael. 

Gabriel looked pleased (probably because he wanted someone else to act as childish as he did) while Anna and Lucifer didn’t show that they cared much. Anna smiled and nodded, mumbling about how “that’s cool” and “it’s gonna be so cute.” Lucifer concentrated on the spinning of his own fork and Castiel realized how concerned he was for his brother. For the remainder of the day, all they did was fuss over Castiel’s mother. “May I be excused?” He finally plucked the courage to ask. “Yes. Go to sleep at a decent time tonight, will you?” Castiel just nodded, but he didn’t get a wink of sleep. When he reached his bedroom, he sat down at his desk and tried to write. He wrote when he felt troubled and now was definitely one of those times. He had been through so much he didn’t even think of who his soulmate might be. Another day, completely wasted because he was such a clumsy little prick.

Castiel hopped into the shower after he finished writing about his mysterious soulmate and let the water fall down his lean body. He knew one of his siblings was bound to come interrupt him at some point so he tried to be quick, but he didn’t want to get out. So he filled the bathtub and let himself relax with the warmth that the water gave him.

He observed the letters forming on his wrist with slight surprise. 

"I felt the spark, did you feel it too? I didn’t think your eyes could be so blue."

Castiel’s heart pounded in his chest. His eyes widened at the sight of the sentence altogether and he considered the possibility that he had seen his soulmate that day. GREEN EYES! He’d established a nickname for the person that had saved his life. It was an appropriate name for such an attractive eyed person. His soulmate obviously knew the color of his eyes. I mean sure, he’d made eye contact with a few people that day, but none of them created a spark. Not anything like the zap he felt course through his soul while in the lake. 

Should I write something back? Castiel wondered, but made sure to keep his mouth shut. He was probably going to squeak like a little girl if he wasn’t careful. He hurried out of the shower and dried himself off, jumping into a shirt. He didn’t bother with pants and brushed his teeth and hair, climbing under the covers of his narrow bed. 

'Green eyes?!' Castiel wrote in a scramble. Three clear points appeared on his wrist. His soulmate was apparently speechless and it bothered him. He needed to have a beneficial conversation with the person he is meant to spent the rest of his life with. He only has twelve more days.

'Your eyes were frozen shut but I know they’ll meet mine again. Do you know who I am? But more importantly, do you know what I’ll do if you don’t?'

Castiel dropped the pen on his bed with a sickening thud into the cushion. What was he going to do?? 'I’m so sorry, I don’t know your name. What will you do now?'

The next reply was something Castiel was desperately hoping to avoid. It couldn’t be true. Yet another line of red dripped down his arm. Castiel saw a quick slice horizontal on the base of his wrist, and from it, red liquid oozed up/down his arm. Little splatters of red liquid landed across his arm and his fingers were covered with red stains. Castiel was no fool. He may have missed it the previous night because he was so extremely tired, but this time his eyes were as wide as the moon and his hands started trembling. Why would his soulmate purposely harm himself just because Castiel didn’t know his name?! 

'….Why? Please, stop… for me…'

The red liquid was smeared and his fingers began to fade until the only evidence that remained was the red cut on his arm just below the faded pink one. A scar. 

'I don’t mean to put you in this situation. But… It takes away the pain. I am not supposed to talk to you, my father has forbidden it. Before I let you risk your life by getting close to me, I need to know how much you care. If you can’t figure out my name, you must not care. Not enough. And for this, I need all you’ve got. Because the people close to me always get hurt. I don’t want you to be hurt too. I can’t fall in love with you. Soulmates? Do you honestly believe we’re meant to be together?'

Castiel took this pause as an opportunity to scribble on his arm with a marker. 'Yes! I don’t believe this. Of course I care, I will do whatever it takes to help you. I don’t understand why you think that everyone around you gets hurt, but I can assure you, I will not be one of those people. We would be stronger together. Please. There’s still hope for the both of us.'

Silence. Castiel realized that the only noise filling his room was his own ragged breathing. 'Castiel, your words are too beautiful. You deserve more than what I have to offer. If you do care, then you’ll write my name.'

'I’d like to just say your name. Scream it, even,' Castiel thought miserably. He only had one more year before he was shipped off to college. Thankfully, the government almost always made sure to send soulmates down the same educational path. 

'Easy there, tiger.' 

Castiel flushed the brightest he’d ever known to be possible when he realized he had written what he was thinking. 

'Oh, my… I didn’t mean to write that. Sorry.' Castiel slammed his face in the pillow. How could he be so stupid?

'It’s alright, Cas. But I have to confess. Pause. I haven’t been entirely committed to you.'

'You’ve… dated other people? Castiel bit back his anguished cry. He was supposed to be the only person in his soulmate’s life! But I thought your father didn’t want you to have romantic relations. He doesn’t believe in soulmates. And I can’t help but feel a little upset that you don’t care about me enough to stay loyal.'

'Exactly. My father doesn’t believe in /soulmates/. But he’s sort of a pervert. I’m expected to bring girls home. He knows you’re not a girl. That’s one of the reasons he doesn’t want me speaking to you. The other is more complicated.'

'I’ve got time.'

'My father doesn’t want me falling desperately in love with someone. The life I live… It’s very dangerous. You couldn’t possibly understand. If I were to fall for you, I would put you before my duty and he doesn’t want that.'

'Dangerous? I’m worried about you. But I don’t know what to say… I already love you.'

'If you really knew me, you wouldn’t say that. Cas, you’re too damn good for me. There’s nothing more to it.'

'I need more clues. I can guess your name! I really do care! And you are more than you think you are.'

'Listen. I’ll continue with the clues, and I’m serious about that stupid dance. I’m being forced to go, so I want to make the most of it. But don’t try to find me if you don’t know who I am. It’ll be too late.'

'TOO LATE?'

But his soulmate didn’t reply. Not for a long time. Castiel wanted to scream into his pillow. He didn’t get much sleep that night, but he felt his wrist ache for hours. 

The next day, Castiel was on alert. He had sucked a few candy canes because he was told that the peppermint flavor makes a person more keen to notice things. He didn’t talk to anyone. People were such stupid specimens and they would interrupt his judging. He now knew clearly that his soulmate was in fact male, but he couldn’t just figure it out with one clue. He desperately needed another one. 

He decided to skip lunch and head outside. There was a nice patch of grass under a lovely tree that he could finally relax under with a good book. Except, it was extremely cold outside, and snow covered the ground. Agh, Castiel thought with a groan. Then he remembered- he still possessed the coat that the mysterious green eyed person had let him borrow. Didn’t the person want to ask for it back? He couldn’t give it back if no one asked him for it. 

Maybe he’d just drop it off at the lost and found or set it in the locker room. Someone was bound to find it. Castiel also realized that the coat didn’t have anyone’s last name on it. He wished it was a normal high school coat. But it wasn’t, and that only added to the mystery. He chose a nice empty classroom with a row of desks by a large assortment of books and windows so that he could see the wonders beyond the classroom. 

Castiel began to read a book, picked at random, and felt his heart jump a little when letters began to appear on his wrist. 

'Hey there. Ready for my next riddle?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:Welcome back, hunters and angels! It means so much to me that you've decided to continue reading. How'd you like this chapter? Kudos? XD What do you think the next riddle will be? Comment your ideas, questions, tips, etc!


	3. Black & Blue (Beat Me Daddy)

'Yes.'

~”I’ve been beaten black and blue, what keeps me alive is the thought of you.”~

Castiel pondered a moment. He understood the message completely, but he wasn’t sure why his soulmate considered that to be a clue. Maybe he would just have to look for someone who constantly had bruises. It was honestly depressing but the fact that he was keeping someone alive made his heart flutter. He didn’t know his soulmate was someone so close to dying. But what did that mean? Obviously he was suicidal. His father probably beats him, Castiel thought.

'Is that really true?'

'Of course. My father is a drunk.'

'No, I mean… do I really keep you living?' 

'Yes, Cas. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. So… I decided to give this little game a try. If you don’t figure it out… That’s alright. I’m pretty sure they assign people new soulmates when their old ones are gone.'

Castiel felt sick to his stomach. How could he possibly think like that? He didn’t want anyone else. Castiel just wanted the person he’s meant to be with, like everyone else. Why couldn’t it be simpler than this? 

'But I hardly think you know my name. I’ll tell you what. If you can meet my eyes by the end of the day, I won’t do it.'

'Where are you?' 

'School. Hm, you seem to like that book. I’ve seen you read it a million times.'

Castiel suspiciously darted his eyes around the area, looking for any sign of a teenage boy. But there were none. 'I do like this book. You’re a stalker, then?'

'Only of you. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t get to look at you at least once during my day. I absolutely hate weekends.' 

'Who hates weekends?' That was horribly absurd. Castiel thought everyone loved weekends. Maybe not. 

'Me. Anyways, have fun trying to find me. Let’s see if you are observant as you seem.'

Castiel was left to stare out the window. He set his book down nicely on the desk and rhythmically moved his fingers. He took it with him to his locker and finished gathering his supplies for the remainder of his classes.

After he finally finished, his brothers dragged him into the meeting room. He didn’t really have friends, so he rarely talked to anyone, but his brothers almost always made sure he had something beneficial to do after school. Which sadly meant that he was forced to participate as a member of the dumb student council. It was only because his father was the principal, however much he tried to forget, and his brothers were given rights beyond those of normal students. Castiel knew it wasn’t right, but there wasn’t anything he could do to change it, so he kept his mouth shut and sat down. He hadn’t seen anyone that reminded him of someone who suffered from abuse the whole day. His soulmate was right, it was going to be hard for him. And apparently he wasn’t as observant as he appeared to be. 

“First things’ first, who’s on dance duty?” 

“What the actual fuck does that mean?” Lucifer grunted, playing with his pen that had a fuzzy eraser top. He looked up from his usual seat on the long, narrow table. The board was covered with Michael’s notes, the darned geek, but there was a little extra space that Gabriel had written “mikey sux balls” throughout the meeting that went unnoticed by only Michael himself. Castiel found it rather childish, and wished his brothers were a bit more mature- but not quite as adult-ish as Michael. His sister Anna had managed to escape the meeting, running off with her no good friends. 

“Well, someone must help me set up the Winter Dance in the gym.” Michael muttered in irritation. He was seriously beginning to think of asking other upperclassmen instead of these buffoons. But he could force his brothers into helping him- the others had a choice.

“Cassie can help ya! I’ve got a special date,” Gabriel’s cheeks were nice and pink. Castiel’s eyes widened for both parts of his idiot brother’s sentence. 

“I most certainly did not offer to do that-” Castiel stood from the table, his palms pressed against the surface. He wasn’t sure what was going to happen at the dance. Would his soulmate invite him? Probably not. But just because he didn’t have any solid plans didn’t mean that he wanted to deal with balloons and glitter and music. He wasn’t any good at party planning. 

“Alright, then.” Michael proceeded to work out an idea towards the bottom of the board, writing Castiel’s name in fancy cursive. It sort of reminded him of the way Dean wrote his name, but it clearly wasn’t the unforgettable, beautiful calligraphy of his soulmate. 

Castiel slumped in his seat, knowing that his brothers weren’t going to let him off the hook for any reason and he most certainly wasn’t going to tell them about his mysterious soulmate. So he’d be stuck on the party planning committee or whatever Michael was going to call it for the entire dance, at the least hanging decorations or making sure the concessions were available at all times. 

And parties were something he never wanted to deal with. 

The meeting continued like a blur until they received a rather unexpected visitor. “Come in,” Michael told the person knocking on the door. It opened quickly and revealed the school’s most popular heart throb Dean Winchester. 

“Hey, I wanted to swing by and-” 

Dean Winchester stopped in his tracks when he noticed Castiel. His eyes flickered from feature to feature until finally he met the boy’s eyes. Dean immediately looked away and try to ignore the blue-eyed boy.

“And, uh, see how the party planning is going. Lisa has been bugging me all week and I’ll go insane if I don’t tell her something.” Dean said with a grin, looking mostly at Michael. He stole a glance at the others, too. “Well, Winchester, it’s been a long week and we’ve only now gotten time to plan for the dance. Tell your girlfriend to volunteer to help if she wants things to be done faster.” Michael crossed his arms, sternly staring at Dean. 

“Oh, er, why don’t I just help? There’s not really much to do until Christmas and I’ve been meaning to find a way to occupy my time.” Dean offered, still avoiding Castiel’s eyes. His fingers wrapped around the top of one of the chairs at the long table. 

“Awesome!” Gabriel exclaimed, slamming his hands on the table. “Now ya got a party planning helper, Cassie,” he snickered under his breath. 

Dean shot Gabriel a questioning look, which made the boy respond with “Cassie here is in charge of the decorating. Why don’t you help him?” 

Dean finally looked back at Castiel but refused to meet his eyes. “Oh, you are?” He asked, directing his line of sight to Castiel’s ears and cheeks. Castiel nodded and sighed, “Yes, I’m being forced to-” Gabriel jumped in, “because he’s dateless!” Castiel nearly smacked his brother across the face. It was as if the other teen loved rubbing it in Castiel’s face that he already knew who his soulmate was. Yet his older brother refused to admit who the mysterious person actually was. 

“Ignore my brother.” Castiel added, glaring at Gabriel. He rolled his eyes and wished he could see Dean’s for the sake of curiosity. “He’s a douche.” 

Dean Winchester just laughed and shook his head. “Well that’s alright, it just means you have more time to find your special someone.” He murmured softly. Castiel couldn’t help but wonder why the jock had been so kind to him. Usually they just ignored one another or sometimes when he was with his friends, Dean would show more aggressiveness towards him. He was a target for bullying but he tried to ignore it. However for some reason Dean’s sloppy insults and teasing hurt more than the others.

“I guess so,” Castiel muttered, looking down at his feet under the table. 

Dean coughed awkwardly and looked back at Michael. “Well, thank you, and don’t hesitate to shoot me a text if you need anything.” Dean told him, walking towards the door. He glanced at the knob and looked back, meeting Castiel’s eyes for the second time that day. 

Castiel noticed two very important things: green and an odd purple colored mark underneath Dean’s left eye just above his cheekbone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello! Thanks for reading yet another chapter! I'm really starting to get excited now about this story. How'd you like it? What do you think is going to happen next? Oooh I wonder when Castiel will first get an idea of who his soulmate might be. Continue reading to find out!! <3


	4. Adventures of Bullying

The next day, Castiel couldn’t stop focusing on his forearm and he couldn’t stop thinking about Dean Winchester. He wasn’t sure why, because the jock was just a jerk in disguise. 

He paced down the halls long before his classes began and took more than one “bathroom” break during a few. It was really starting to bother him and Castiel wondered how he could possible end all his madness. Why, talk to Dean, of course. Yes, that seemed like the perfect choice. 

Castiel approached the jock and was at a loss for words. He opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was exhaled air. Dean was surrounded by the other football and basketball players, some baseball or swimmers, too, and he certainly stood out from the rest. It wasn’t that he looked too attractive when compared to the others but he just appeared les /jocky/ than usual. 

Dean was dressed in a long sleeve dark green shirt and wore no sports jacket nor any school spirit gear like the others. He wore ripped jeans (ones that looked super unintentional but he managed to pull it off better than anyone) and a necklace with a weird face on it. Castiel stared at it, noticing Dean Winchester’s toned torso while doing so. He scolded himself, knowing that he should be focusing on finding his soulmate and saving a life rather than staring down living eye candy like a vulture. 

“Sorry, I just, erm…” Castiel couldn’t keep his eyes off the seemingly increasing number of followers surrounding Dean Winchester. “Wanted to talk to you,” Castiel wasn’t able to get much else out, nearly choking at the end of his sentence. 

“Piss off, dork. Dean’s busy. Doesn’t have time for losers like you.” One of the jocks stepped up beside Dean and slung an arm around his shoulder. 

Castiel was taken aback. He should’ve been expecting such a statement from one of these idiots but he decided to risk it for some peace of mind. “I believe that is for Dean to decide.” He confidently stated, proud of himself for standing up against the bully. He was only thinking of how nice Dean had been when they were talking in the meeting room the other day. 

“That’s Winchester to you.” Dean was looking down at the floor when he muttered the bitter reply. “Yeah- only his friends get to call him Dean.” The other jock scoffed and moved his hands around in his coat pockets. A golden chain swung around his muscular neck. 

Castiel knew they weren’t friends, but he assumed he could call one of his peers (no matter the social status) by their first name. After all, they were both the same age, although sometimes teen culture was confusing to him. He honestly felt a bit hurt by Dean’s sudden remark. 

Why wasn’t it okay to address someone by their first name?

Because this is Dean Winchester, you fool, Castiel thought miserably. You’re just a loser to them. 

“Shut up, Norris.” Dean didn’t meet a single person’s eyes the entire time. He stared at the ground like it was covered in jewels. “You’re not standing up for this fucking retard, are you?” Norris asked dangerously. 

“Of course not.” Dean looked at the other jocks and sighed. “Dude’s a nerd.” 

Castiel shut his eyes and let his head hang low. He knew he shouldn’t trust Dean Winchester. “But, being a nerd doesn’t just make him an outcast. It makes him smart. He isn’t a fucking retard, Norris, you are.” Dean rolled his eyes and continued to stare at the floor. 

The other jocks looked as though maybe they should follow in Dean’s words and support Castiel. But most of them just looked angry. To further explain, Dean and Norris have been enemies for quite a while now, both fighting for best player of the football team. Both are fine pieces of eye candy and both are pretty successful. Some people sided with Norris, others Dean Winchester. 

Anyone that sided with Norris was sure to make Dean Winchester’s life absolute Hell if they ever found a reason to, which always seemed to root from bullying. Seven or eight players crowded around Dean, glaring at him for insulting Norris.

Dean Winchester acted like he had it all under control but underneath that tough facade Castiel knew exactly what he was really feeling. Dean Winchester was scared and nervous. “How dare you-”

“I was kidding,” Dean quickly responded, softening the glares. “It was just a joke. A test, to see which of you support Norris. I was just testing you guys.” Dean laughed to lighten the mood but the guys expected him to insult Castiel to make up for joking and being so sweet. 

“Alright, yeah, the guy’s a shitty outcast.” 

Castiel’s breath hitched in his throat. 

All he wanted was to talk to Dean that day to clear his head and he ended up being bullied instead!

What a horrible, mean world it was to live in. Maybe he’d find a way to speak to Dean privately and give him a little message. Castiel was grateful that the jock was so close to him and less close to the others, because his next action was quite secret. He walked a few more steps up to Dean and whispered in his ear, “meet me by the lake.” 

Castiel’s hands were shaking as he observed them. He wasn’t sure if Dean Winchester would even agree to meet him there, and if he did, there was no telling how it would go.

The jock could’ve decided to meet him there, but secretly use it against him. There were so many possibilities and Castiel wished he could just focus on a positive one. 

Castiel turned to face the person who had suddenly stifled a cough. “De…. Winchester.” He greeted the jock, his arms folded across his chest. 

“What do you want? The others are by the car waiting for me, so you should probably hurry.” Dean glanced toward the direction he had came, but the evergreen trees and snow blocked his view of the sweet Impala waiting for him (this means Cas couldn’t see it, either).

Castiel tried to accustom himself to Dean’s harsh attitude but found it more difficult than he thought. “Where are you going?” He asked, confused. It was still lunchtime, but in a matter of minutes it would be time for their next class. “Doesn’t matter.” Dean murmured.

Castiel shook his head angrily. “Why were you so mean to me in there?” He asked, looking up at Dean with sad, big blue eyes. 

“I wasn’t that mean,” Dean said defensively. “I’ve been worse to you.” 

“Yes, you have, and that’s what confuses me!” Castiel exclaimed, staring at Dean. He remembered the many times that Dean winchester and his stupid friends had bothered him over the years, especially in Middle School. “In the meeting room, you were so kind. Now you’re back to being a jerk. Why?”

“I was kind in the meeting room because Michael was there. I’m not an idiot, I know better than to do anything to you while he’s around,” Dean explained. He crossed his arms to match Castiel’s appearance. 

“No, no, no.” Castiel wouldn’t believe his ears. He wanted Dean Winchester to be as dreamy and sweet as he had been the day before. He received a sudden flashback:

~“Well that’s alright, it just means you have more time to find your special someone.”~

“That’s not right. The one I talked to in the meeting room isn’t the same person I see now.” Castiel was mostly talking to himself, but he talked out loud as if he wanted Dean Winchester to hear what he was thinking.

“Sorry, Novak, but it is.”

“So, so- you think that I’m just some… crappy, dumb outcast? You think that’s okay? You don’t think it’s inhuman to say things like that to me?” Castiel’s rage meter was flying up at increasingly high levels. 

“No.” Dean answered honestly, keeping his eyes transfixed on the grass and snow below his feet. Castiel’s eyebrows showed the limitation of his anger. He had misinterpreted Dean’s reply. “I don’t think you’re crappy, or shitty, and you’re definitely not dumb.” Dean told him. “But…” Dean had finished typing on his phone and finished with, “you do seem like an outcast. According to Urban Dictionary, an outcast is - someone who doesn't belong in his main social area.” 

Dean Winchester continued to read what his phone told him about outcasts but didn’t dare say any of it out loud to Castiel. “...But his heart is mature, calm and kind. He never really does anything big for himself, and most of the things he does are for other people. He's just misunderstood, and people hate him for no reason. He's usually the victim of every negative stereotype and rumor.” (Urban Dictionary)

Dean kept his lips sealed tight and observed the footprints that had been in the snow for a couple days. He remembered the lake incident and wanted to say something but decided against it. Castiel didn’t know what to say, either. It was only the truth. 

“Yeah, apparently I’m so much of an outcast that even my soulmate has to pretend to want me.” The message came out wrong. Castiel knew that, but he didn’t bother to fix it. He seemed to have struck a nerve. “It’s funny, really, because for a second I actually thought someone wanted me, but you’ve helped me realize that no one does.” 

Dean swallowed. He couldn’t continue bullying this person, of all people, he just couldn’t. But at the same time, he had been going through so much on his own and with his friends that he couldn’t take being bullied along with Castiel. 

“I’m… I’m sure that isn’t true.” 

Castiel didn’t look quite on the verge of tears, but he did look upset. He rolled up his sleeve and took a long hard look at his arm, where the scars could easily be seen. “It’s true, alright. My soulmate would rather commit suicide than be with me and leave the scars as a reminder.” Now he was fighting to keep the tears back. 

Dean didn’t think much about it, wrapping his thick arms around Castiel’s thin torso. He pulled him closer, almost nuzzling him as he continued to hug the teenager. “W-what are you-”

“Shut up, loser.” Dean muttered. He couldn’t stand seeing Castiel so upset and wasn’t sure how else to make him feel better. 

Castiel took note of his cologne, the oil and car smells, and even his shampoo. But he tried to concentrate on the smell of the ink on his arms instead, reminding him that he would be cheating on his soulmate if he were to continue with this sort of behavior towards Dean Winchester. 

The time didn’t matter to either of the two anymore. It had seemed like forever, but it had to of been just a few minutes. “Dean,” Castiel breathed out, his voice much lower than he’d anticipated. Dean didn’t let go yet. “Hm?”

“Thank you.” 

“Welcome. Hey, Cas?”

“Yeah?”

Dean let go, finally, and looked at him directly into the eyes. “I should be thanking /you/.” He murmured softly, leaning in towards Castiel’s face. He leaned back and watched Castiel’s eyes grow wide before turning to walk across the snow back to his shitty friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: ACKKKKKK! This chapter pains me but it was also exciting to write. What'd you think? Getting kinda close there, huh? We've still got eight chapters. I wonder... ;)


	5. Charlie Always Knows

Castiel felt numb. His mind, his body, everything just felt like it wasn’t there at all. He was thankful for his best friend Charlie and Kevin. The three were usually an inseparable trio but Castiel had a full plate and they hadn’t hung out much since the year began. Castiel was surprised when the two sat next to him at lunch. 

“What’s wrong?” Charlie asked as she started chomping on her burger, nearly getting ketchup all over her nerdy shirt. 

Castiel shrugged, wishing he had a sweatshirt like Kevin. The colorful drawings were crazily crawling up his arm as they spoke. How on Earth did no one see anyone drawing on their arm like this during school?

“Ah, having soulmate troubles?” Charlie asked, looking across the table at Kevin who had just taken a seat. He didn’t eat much and had his nose in a book that said ‘History’. Castiel knew he’d have some sort of test coming up and also knew better than to bother him. 

“Hey, Charlie…?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Do you know of anyone who has really good artistic skills?” Castiel asked, trying to narrow his search. “There’s Lucy. She’s super cute. Maybe she’s your soulmate.” 

“No, I don’t think so.” Castiel replied shyly. 

“Why not?” Charlie asked defensively. “She’s really cute!” Castiel groaned and buried his face in his hands. “Because he’s a guy,” he mumbled. Charlie tilted her head and asked, “Sorry, what?”

“Because my soulmate is male!” Castiel screeched, flushing a bright red after attracting the attention of several students around their table. Charlie nodded as if it was nothing, seeing as her soulmate was also of the same gender. She hadn’t figured out the name of hers yet, but they talked often, and Charlie didn’t feel ready enough to figure it out anyways. She received a clue that it was someone she was already close to, and she didn’t want to ruin any friendships she had considered how little there actually were.

“Hm, that’s a little harder. The guys here are just so stupid,” Charlie muttered, and when she saw the look on Castiel’s face, she added, “Except you and Kevin, of course. Oh look, here comes the stupidest.” Charlie looked in the direction of Dean Winchester, whose fingers wrapped around the ends of his sweatshirt so that no part of his arms could be seen. He was fake-smiling, Castiel knew that (he took a psychology class), but he wasn’t sure why. Kevin shot Charlie a look after she used the word stupidest but she happily ignored it.

“But he’s hella dreamy,” Charlie commented after observing him. She then saw Lisa Bradbury hanging on his shoulder. “Oh, for a lesbian like myself I feel weird saying this but he’s much dreamier than that bitch.” 

Castiel wrinkled his eyebrows. He wasn’t sure how he felt about Lisa. Something was there, but what was it? Hmm… Maybe he admired her popularity. No, because it was different than the way he felt towards Dean. Perhaps he didn’t like her. Yeah, he’d settle for that over the other options that came to mind after that. 

“Remind me why we think she’s a bitch,” Castiel mumbled to Charlie in embarrassment. 

“Because, Cas,” Charlie began, “She’s not even the popular, know-it-all rude kind of bitch. She’s the nice kind.” 

Castiel became extremely confused. He had to admit, Lisa Bradbury was actually really nice to everyone. She was just too clingy and dependent, especially on Dean Winchester. “And we don’t like her because she /should/ be mean?” 

“Yes!” Charlie exclaimed with a huff. She munched on some chips and took a long drink of soda, trying to ignore how pretty Lisa actually was and how sweet the couple looked together. 

“Well, nice or not, I haven’t seen her without Dean Winchester by her side,” Castiel commented in observation. Charlie nodded and took another bite. “She’s got it all. Popularity, smarts, friends, love, sports-” 

“Honestly, Charlie, don’t think like that. You’re just as wonderful as she is, if not better.” Castiel told his best friend sternly. He then observed Dean further to cure his boredom. “He’s got it too, doesn’t he?” 

“Who, that jackass?”

“Yeah,” Castiel breathed out dreamily.

“Hey, Casanova, whatcha starin like that for, huh?” Charlie asked through a mouthful of burger. “Got a crush?”

Castiel didn’t hear her. He was too busy counting Dean’s freckles. There were at least sixty three, but Charlie interrupted his counting with, “Oh my God, you’ve got the hots for Mr. Sexy, don’t you?” Charlie almost screamed, excitement sparkling in her eyes. “What? No! The douche called me a shitty outcast the other day,” Castiel admitted with a sigh. 

“You do,” Charlie groaned. “Oh, jeez, Cas- you’re too good for him!” 

“Charlie!” Castiel whined. “Please, shut up, we’re starting to get weird looks.” He peeled his eyes off Dean Winchester and looked at the girl in a flannel beside him. “I don’t like that dumb jock. I have a soulmate, you know. One who communicates with me.” 

“No way!! Tell me all about him.” Charlie looked as though she’d just discovered a pot of gold. After that, Castiel explained everything from the clues to the cutting, leaving Charlie with a frown on her face. “You’ve gotta find him. You both need each other. Why don’t you talk to him now?” 

“Agh, okay. What should I ask him?” Castiel pulled out the pen stuck behind his ear. 

“Ask him… ask him for the next clue.” Charlie decided, putting Plan A into order. She was going to support Castiel if it was the last thing she did and trust me, it wouldn’t be.

‘Hello. Is there another clue? I’m getting worried about you.’ 

Castiel didn’t expect him to answer as soon as he did, but he was grateful for it. ‘You want it now?’ 

‘Yes.’ 

‘Alright, um… my life is full of danger, I’m always on a hunt. If not that, it’s a punt.’

Meanwhile, Charlie narrowed her eyes towards the table of jocks and kept in observation mode. She had a feeling she’d be conducting an experiment this afternoon. 

‘What does that even mean? What kind of hunt?’ Castiel wrote back.

No reply.

“Agh, Charlie! He does this all the time. I get one clue, and then he won’t talk to me at all until the next day after it’s too late and there’s already another scar. How can I possibly figure this out if he’s giving me such vague clues and then ignoring me??” Castiel angrily threw down his pen. 

“I don’t know, Cas, but you should think outside the box. Right, Kevin?” Charlie glanced at Kevin expectantly, who nodded his head in reply. “That’s right. People who are suicidal like testing the waters. They want to see how much they mean to other people and they want to feel secure. They want the least amount of pain possible. In order to determine these clues, it’s important to think the impossible.”

Castiel groaned. “Okay, so firstly, I know for a fact he has green eyes. He saved my life in the lake when I nearly drowned. I saw them. That was the first truly meaningful clue. The next one was pretty straightforward. I think he’s being mistreated at home, and he tells me that I’m the only reason he’s alive. Well, one of the only reasons.” 

“This one just doesn’t make any sense.”

Charlie shook her head after observing the clue on Castiel’s arm. “He’s a football player.” She told him with a sigh. “Punt is some sort of football term,” she added as she finished her lunch. 

“Oh. Great. Know any suicidal football players?”

“Nope! Sorry.” The bell rang right when Charlie finished her sentence and she stood to throw away her trash. “Gotta go, Cas. See you tomorrow.” The two didn’t share any mutual classes for the remainder of the day so she decided to bid him farewell now. Kevin did the same and followed her.

*~*~*

 

Charlie ran off as she saw Dean Winchester walking to his Impala. She pretended to fall and accidentally fell on the concrete. Dean looked surprised as he held out a hand to offer her assistance. Charlie grabbed his arm and yanked up his sleeve after she managed to regain her balance. Her eyes widened at what she saw all over his arm. Her eyes flickered to his green ones with a few small bruises across his face. Football player, green eyes with obvious signs of abuse, and drawings on his arms!! Oh, scars, too. 

Charlie grinned and screeched, “I FUCKING KNEW IT!” She was practically jumping up and down in excitement at her discovery until Dean dragged her into his car. “Shhh!” Dean tried to hush her, but she couldn’t stop rambling on about how she knew it was him and then how adorable it would be. Even though she wasn’t the biggest fan of Dean Winchester.

“Damn it, Charlie, will you shut up and listen?” Dean finally cracked. Charlie was honestly surprised the popular jock even knew her name. “Okay, go on but-” 

“Just listen!” Dean yelled, causing Charlie to squeal and squeeze her lips shut. “You can’t tell anyone. Not a single person. Especially not Castiel.” 

“Okay, but-”

“Sh! I don’t know how on Earth you figured this out, but know that you know you need to promise me you won’t say anything.”

“Yeah, but, why? Cas has been freaking out about you. And I think you need him, too. Why can’t you just tell him it’s you?” Charlie asked.

“Because.” Dean went on to further explain what he told Castiel about how his father didn’t approve of liking the same sex nor the idea of soulmates. “So, see? You just can’t say anything.”

“But you plan to, eventually, don’t you?” Charlie continued, crossing her arms in the passenger seat. “Of course. Well, unless something majorly bad happens. I’ve been planning to tell him at the dance, that’s for my twelfth clue, but I just…”

“That’s okay, I don’t need the details… yet.” Charlie sighed and stared into Dean Winchester’s eyes. “Why would you want to hurt yourself?” She wanted to understand why the jock would ever do such a thing, especially when it seemed so unlikely. She also felt bad and wanted to help him to the best of her ability. “You’re popular and charming to most ladies, all the guys want to BE you, why the hell would you do something like that?”

“Takes some of the mental pain away,” Dean Winchester answered softly. “At school, things may be alright- great, even, but that doesn’t make things okay at home. My life is pretty rough in ways I can’t even begin to explain.” He shifted in the driver seat, gripping onto the wheel as if he seeked comfort in knowing that he was really there, sitting in his beloved car, while talking to a real person. “I’m sorry,” Charlie apologized. “Is there anything I can do?”

Dean thought for a moment before nodding. “Yes.” He looked through Charlie’s eyes. “If you’re really up for it, you could help me with my plans.” 

Charlie seemed almost surprised, and also a little eager, to help him. She hadn’t had much excitement in the past few weeks and was happy to find a task to tackle. “Oh, yeah, uhm… sure!” She agreed with a smile. “What’s the plan?” 

“Well, I doubt he’ll figure this clue out, I’m beginning to see that he’s a little oblivious. The next one’s about Baby here,” Dean chuckled in amusement and patted the dash of the car. “I figured everyone knows I’m in love with this car, but there’s tons of guys who take pride in their cars. I’m not looking to make this too easy for him, I still need to see how far he’s willing to go.” Dean paused for a while, dusting off the radio and then continued, “I’m not going to risk it with my dad or possibly ruin both our lives if I don’t think it’s going to be worth it.” 

“It’s worth it!” Charlie exclaimed, throwing her hands up in exasperation. “True love will always be worth it.”

“Really? Chick-flick much?” Dean asked in a monotone voice, quite unamused at the nerd’s words. “Well, as of now, I’m pretty sure Cas hates my guts. I wouldn’t be sure of yourself.” 

“Well, you did bully him…” Charlie dragged out the end of her sentence much longer than she needed to. “He’s bound to be upset with you. Why would you do that, anyways?” Dean looked down in shame.

“Well, it’s complicated,” Dean started with a sigh He laid his head on the steering wheel, careful not to honk the horn. “I don’t think I’m strong enough to handle pain at school and at home. I didn’t want them to turn against me.” 

Charlie continued to show her support. “I understand, Dean, but you’re his /soulmate/. Some people aren’t even lucky enough to have one. Since you do, you need to do everything in your power to make sure that Castiel is happy. And I don’t exactly think he’s content being called a, uhmm.. ‘Shitty outcast.’” Charlie huffed, “Especially by his soulmate.” 

“Oh come on, he doesn’t even know it’s me!” Dean exclaimed. “You can’t use that against me.”

Charlie rolled her eyes playfully. “Yeah, okay.”

“But still, it doesn’t help anyone to bully him.” Charlie continued as she gave him a motherly expression.

“I know. I saved his life, I shouldn’t be trying to bring him down. That’s really selfish of me.” Dean admitted, starting the car to warm things up a bit. “I was so close to him, Charlie. I almost kissed him,” Dean suddenly felt like an open book, pouring out all his secrets.

“Wow, Dean. Didn’t know you were so gay.” Charlie laughed.

“For him, maybe. But I’ve dated my share of women,” Dean responded, ruffling his hair. “Do you think it’s bad?”

“What, your constant betrayal to my best friend? Or your current girlfriend??” Charlie asked sarcastically. She kept staring at Dean with raised eyebrows.

“Agh, you don’t understand,” Dean grumbled under his breath.

“Sorry. I just don’t like seeing him so upset.”

“I know. But don’t worry, I’ll change the way he thinks of me. The eleventh day.” 

“How?”

“That’s for me to know, and you to find out.” Dean winked at her, which hardly felt like charm, and turned his head as someone got into the backseat.

“Heya, Sammy. How was school?”

Sam Winchester had only just reached teenagehood, or at least it seemed like that. He took his headphones off and sighed. “It was alright. Uh, Dean, who’s this? Where’s Lisa?”

Dean shook his head, “This is Charlie. She’s hella gay.” He assured his little brother. “Oh, okay.” Dean grinned and looked fondly at Sam. He didn’t know about anything that was going on with Dean, especially not the self harm. Dean did everything he could possibly do to keep Sam away from his father, meaning he would frequently take him to Bobby’s- a friend of his father’s. Bobby was like their uncle. But Sam knew a lot more than he let on. Of course, he’d forever make sure that Dean felt like he was protecting him no matter what Sam was really facing in his life. The two really cared about each other THAT much. 

“Is Lisa coming over later?” Sam asked. He liked the girl. She was always sweet to him and she thought he was like an adorable little puppy. “No, Sammy. Actually I’m breaking up with her.” Dean hesitated, only deciding to as he spoke. It would be better that way, maybe help Castiel figure him out.

 

“Why? She’s so nice..” 

“Because, Sammy. I have to. But you don’t need to know the details. How’s it going with your soulmate?” Dean asked, not knowing the name. “I’m not telling him who I am.” Sam stated in a monotone voice. He frowned when he finished his sentence and Charlie looked concerned. “Why not? Same situation as Dean?”

Sam nodded sadly. “I’ve already found him out. He’s always bragging about me to the others, for some reason. I hear him talk a lot.” 

“Aww.” Charlie cooed, imagining how they might eventually get together.

“Look, Dean, I already know you’re in love with Castiel,” Sam muttered straightforwardly. “It’s obvious.” Dean panicked a bit internally, keeping his cool on the outside. “And these clues? They’re genius. I just don’t get why a jock like you would bother. We kill monsters for Christ’s sake, why can’t you just admit it to him already?” Sam the shipper is at it again. “Shut up author.” Sam added, huffing. 

“You… whAT?” Charlie asked, her eyes widening in surprise. Was it just a joke? Surely. “Oh, ummm…” Dean wracked through his thoughts for some sort of excuse for his innocent brother’s slip up. “He’s talking about video games. We kill monsters in video games.” Dean nodded and pressed his lips together, as did Sam. 

“Oh, me too!” Charlie exclaimed, grinning. She was a video game freak and rambled on about several before Sam and Dean could get her to shut her mouth. 

“Okay, well, I should go.” Charlie scribbled something on a piece of paper lying in the Impala and handed it to Dean. “Call or text me if you need anything.” Dean nodded respectfully. “Thank you so much, Charlie. See ya tomorrow.” 

“Peace out, bitches!” Charlie gave her signature sign and left the Impala, leaving Sam and Dean to drive back home where he could guarantee they wouldn’t be greeted with a smile.


	6. The Rainbow 1967 Chevy Impala

Castiel traced his fingers over the five scars on his arm. They looked pretty deep and Castiel wondered how much pain his soulmate endured while doing it. Castiel assumed he wanted physical pain to take away the mental pain, but he didn’t think it was a healthy nor helpful trade. 

The teenager stifled a sigh and crossed one leg over the other. “I have to find him soon,” Castiel murmured softly. “Before it’s too late.” He kissed the scars gently, and Dean watched a chapstick mark appear on them. He smiled sadly and twirled his pencil in his fingers. 

Castiel sat by a tree outside school grounds after school had finished.

“Hiya, Cassie, how you doin’, little bro?” Gabriel pounced up to him like a fool, ruffling his brown hair. The candy loving class clown had a prank up his sleeve, and Castiel did not want any part in it. He had an assignment. He was already playing a game of life or death.

“I’m not in the mood for your games, Gabriel.” Castiel used his formal name, biting back another remark. 

“Aw, but Cassie, it’s really fun!! I even got my soulmate to agree.” Gabriel grinned and sat on the desk where Castiel had tried to get comfortable. He rolled his eyes and looked at Gabe with annoyed eyes. “You have two minutes.” That warning was like setting off a time bomb. He exploded with words, mischievous plots and big, toothy smiles. Castiel managed to understand that Gabriel was wanting to prank Dean Winchester, a complete idiot and asshole in Castiel’s opinion. That stupid jock had gotten into so much trouble and according to rumor, never had a girl longer than two weeks. He knew Dean Winchester liked a girl named Lisa, which wasn’t much of a rumor. Gabriel said that he was practically asking to be pranked. 

When Gabriel was done, Castiel shrugged and gave him an amused look. “Go for it, Gabe. But I won’t wake any part in it.”

“Will you at least come with me?” Gabriel whined, giving Castiel the puppy dog eyes he’d practiced for several minutes before he chose to approach his brother. Castiel rolled his eyes, “Sure, whatever.” 

“Well, then let’s go! Dean’s got football practice, so we have some time but I wanna make sure he doesn’t see me.” Gabriel tugged on Castiel’s sleeve, pestering him as he looked back down at his math homework. Castiel sighed and put his stuff into his backpack, slinging it over his shoulder. Gabriel let go, but he had pulled up the sleeve with the cuts, leaving Castiel to realize he hadn’t talked to his soulmate the entire day. It just sort of…. flew by.

Castiel crept behind the other high schooler cars and avoided being seen. He learned his sneaky devilness from his brother Lucifer when they were kids, and judging by the technique Gabriel was using, he assumed the same went for his brother.

“Where’s the paint?” Castiel asked with suspicion. “Right here,” Gabriel answered with a cheeky smile. How the hell he managed to hide it Castiel had no idea. His brother continued by slapping and flicking the paint ALL over Dean’s 1967 Chevy Impala. He managed to find rainbow colored paint with sparkles, which was now across bits and parts of the original black paint of the car. Gabriel didn’t cover the entire thing, because by the time he decided to, Castiel saw Dean walking down from the football field and screeched “RETREAT!” to his brother.

Gabriel was panicking and left the paint right where it was, running for cover, and accidentally leaving Castiel flailing behind him. It was too late for the younger brother. Castiel sighed and stared at Dean Winchester with heavy eyes. “Don’t get the wrong idea.” He simply stated, looking towards Gabriel who gave one of those “whoopsies~” smiles and ran home to Lucifer, presumably to pester him about doing another prank.

“Ah, the Trickster.” Dean Winchester chuckled, but Castiel could see real sadness in his eyes. The car must mean a lot to him, Castiel thought with a sigh. “I apologize on behalf of my brother,” he told the football player, looking at the Impala.

Dean decided not to talk. 

“I didn’t think the car meant as much as it does to you. I will personally help you fix it. We can always find black paint or try to scrub this rainbow paint off.” Castiel offered kindly. He felt bad for agreeing to Gabe’s idea, even if the jock was a total douche to him. “Which would you prefer?” Castiel asked him.

Dean shrugged and looked down at the buckets of paint. “Hey, I guess I kinda of deserve it, don’t I? For bullying you.” 

“Kinda,” Castiel responded genuinely, resting his hand on Dean’s shoulder.

“But.... Dean, I don’t blame you.” Castiel had always been a very understanding, compassionate person. Despite the horrible feeling he experience when people called him names or played pranks, he was quick to forgive. However he wasn’t as quick to forget. He would remember how Dean Winchester treated him for a long time, if not forever, even though the jock had apologized and admitted that what he did was wrong. 

“You don’t?” Dean asked in bewilderment. “Nope,” Castiel shook his head and put the other hand on Dean’s left shoulder, staring him dead in the eyes. It was hard to mistake those green eyes, but his determination to make Dean feel better overpowered his suspicion… for the moment. 

“Why?”

“Because. I’m guessing that something in your life isn’t going like you want it to, and maybe having your friends turn on you wouldn’t help the situation much. From what I can see, you’re a strong individual. You don’t have to let other people dictate what you should or shouldn’t do. It’s okay to be your own person. It’s okay to be different. But most importantly, it’s okay to be yourself.” Castiel’s little inspirational speech seemed to have really touched Dean Winchester’s heart, but a few seconds later he laughed it off and tried to change the subject back to his Impala. 

“Dean, I’m serious! Don’t let those assbutts decide how you treat other people. Stand up to them, I can assure you life will find a way to make itself better.” Castiel prompted, huffing at the stupid droplets of paint all over the car. What did he get himself into?

“Assbutts?” Dean laughed, ruffling his dark blonde/brown hair. 

“Yes.” Castiel nodded and watched Dean walk to the truck, pulling it open and accidentally getting paint on his hands. Castiel touched the side of the car, too, and didn’t realize that the paint from Dean’s hands had appeared on his own. When Dean realized the possibility of what was happening, he nervously cast a glance at the other, who didn’t seem to notice, and looked back at the car. “No, no- don’t come over here.” Dean told Castiel as he approached the trunk. Dean surveyed the display of monster hunting weapons all across the trunk. He slammed it shut after he finally found the towels and spray he kept for cleaning purposes.

“Listen, Cas, I appreciate your offer, but you don’t have to help me.” Dean Winchester stated, beginning to scrub at the paint. 

Castiel had an odd thought at Dean’s familiar sounding sentence, but dismissed it as unimportant. “No, it’s my pleasure.” Castiel grabbed the other towel and wiped off the paint. 

((A/N: For people that think there’s a mistake with this process- yes, I know it would be much more difficult to clean paint off a car, but this is fictional :P would you rather have some destiel action or describing cleaning a car? Destiel? Yesh.))

“Thanks,” Dean thanked him, dealing with the trunk and the back window quickly. The silence lasted a lot longer than either of the two would’ve wanted, but neither knew what to say to keep it from happening. Castiel took the front and right side, Dean the back and the left side. When they had finished, Castiel struggled to reach the top of the car. Dean noticed this, and walked over to him, tracing his fingertips over Castiel’s and reached along with him and both towels. Dean let his other hand find its way to his face, where he covered his rose-colored cheeks.

Castiel found Dean’s hands to be much softer than he imagined them to be. He expected rough calluses from playing sports, maybe sweaty palms, but they weren’t any of those things. The sweatshirt covered the beginning of his palms but didn’t cover his fingertips. 

Dean Winchester once again pulled his hand away secretly and went around to the other side, fixing the lights on the car which had also been splattered with paint. 

Castiel frowned and kept scrubbing. After about an hour and a half of cleaning, the Impala was returned to its former shine. “Oh, Baby. You look great.” Dean patted the top of his car, wiping his forehead with his sweatshirt sleeve. “Thanks again, Novak.” 

Castiel tilted his head. “What happened to ‘Cas’?” 

“I dunno, you like that better?”

“Hm.” Castiel smiled, nodding as he tossed the towel onto the cement. “It’s up to you,” he added, shrugging. Dean didn’t respond but nodded in return. “I’m surprised Sammy hasn’t showed up yet. He must’ve gotten a ride with a friend or something.” 

Dean opened the driver seat to his Impala and smiled at how beautiful the inside still was. He thought about asking Castiel if he wanted a ride home, but he had already started speaking. “I’ll be going now. See you tomorrow.” 

*~*~*~*

Castiel sat at his desk, looking at the half finished math homework. He really didn’t feel like working on it despite knowing he was trying to get into a good college and trying to keep As. He wrote the word “READY” on his wrist. 

This time he had to wait ten minutes before his soulmate decided to respond to him. 

“Okay, Cas. I love my car, it’s pretty great, if you figure me out I’ll take you on a date.” 

A scary thought crossed Castiel’s mind when he read the first part of his soulmate’s clue. One he didn’t want to think about. One he knew was a strong possibly, but yet he hoped it wasn’t true. Someone else besides his soulmate also used the nickname. Someone also loved their car as much as his soulmate did. But Castiel had only just begun to consider the thought. If he guessed wrong, what might happen? Should he even guess at all? He knew he might be saving a life, but there were also many reasons why it couldn’t be his new acquaintance. 

“What if I guess your name wrong?” Castiel wrote. 

“Then I’ll know you’ve fallen for someone else.” 

Castiel wasn’t sure the best way to respond to that statement. That he knew wasn’t necessarily true, but he assumed his soulmate had been through enough and he’d have to bring his whole game to save both their lives.

So he didn’t respond. There’s no point in guessing something with only 40% probability when the result was automatically losing the game. He would just wait a little longer, and if that meant a few more scars, then so be it. Castiel decided that a few more horizontal scars were better than a long vertical one. He thought about showing Charlie, asking for her opinion, but he didn’t want to bother her since her family was going through some tough shit at the moment. He held his cell phone in his hand, wishing there was some soulmate seeking number he could call, and fell asleep for hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thanks for reading! You guys are amazing, I can't believe this book is already past 500 hits!


	7. Please Don't Let It Be You

Charlie ran up to Dean outside the school when she caught him alone. “You have a plan for today?” She asked, simply worrying about what would happen to the jock and to her best friend.

“Sure do.” Dean chuckled, leaning against the side of the school building. 

“My last one was so easy, maybe he doesn’t want to know. For a second I thought he was going to guess my name, but then he didn’t answer…” Dean let his backpack fall off one shoulder and sighed when he looked towards the football field. The previous night his father had been particularly drunk and had tripped him for not cleaning the house, and his ankle wasn’t ready to take on another practice after school. But he wasn’t going to go to the nurse. He wasn’t going to let anyone find the bruises on his legs that also came along with the tripping. 

Maybe, he thought, the pain will even take my mind off it. 

Football was great, it was like an escape from reality because the entire game, or mostly during practices, he wouldn’t think about any of his problems.

Dean Winchester didn’t think about how many times his father would hit him when he returned home from the bar. He didn’t think about his little brother Sammy, and how he was going to feed and protect him when the only food in the house were packs of beer and a couple packs of crackers. And he didn’t think about what might happen in the next two-three years that might prevent him and his brother from escaping to college. 

Dean only focused on the game and planned strategies on how he could score. Of course, he was happy to have so many people cheering for him in the stands, including the cheerleaders, but there was only one person he really wanted the support of. 

He wanted Castiel, with his simple clothes and small smile, enchanting blue eyes and a calm expression on his face as he watched Dean score a goal for his team. Maybe if he was lucky, he’d eventually see Castiel with a huge grin instead of a small smile, chanting his name like he couldn’t be prouder.

Or maybe that’s just the kind of encouragement he wished his father had given him. 

Either way, he knew he only wanted things he couldn’t have, and Charlie managed to snap him out of his daze by shaking his firm shoulders. “Dean! The hell?” Dean shook his head and smiled at her, taking a few steps toward the stairs of the school. “Sorry, Charlie, I gotta go. Lisa’s waiting for me.”

Charlie glared at him, her expression changing from happy-go-lucky to pure goddamn evil. “/Lisa/?” She growled, grabbing the straps of her backpack. “Shouldn’t you have broken up with her? Castiel will not pursue a guy with a girlfriend.” She noted aloud, crossing her arms. Dean shrugged. “She’s hard to escape.” He knew it was an excuse, but he didn’t want her snooping around in his affairs after he broke up with her because she might find out something she doesn’t need to know. 

“Well I know Castiel won’t appreciate it when he finds out it’s you and you’re dating someone already.” Charlie told the jock.

“He knows I’ve dated other people,” Dean retorted.

“Oh, does he know you still are?”

“No.” 

Charlie patted Dean’s shoulder and started walking inside the school. “Well he may be upset about that.” Charlie smiled and left Dean alone outside with the other cheerleaders and sports teams who usually hung out before they went inside. Castiel walked right past Dean on his way inside, completely ignoring him. Dean felt a bit offended. What had he done? 

“Hey, Cas-” Dean began, scrambling into the school to find the runaway junior. “I have college courses I need to get to in ten minutes, Winchester. I don’t have the luxury of taking time to talk.” Castiel’s day was already off to a bad start. His father had kicked his brother Lucifer out of the house because he was not only failing his classes and doing drugs but also breaking laws. Castiel knew his brother meant well, but he didn’t believe in rules and often got involved with the wrong people. He knew it wasn’t his brother himself but the people that surrounded him. 

On top of that, his mother had given him extra chores now that Lucifer was gone and gave him a long talk about fixing his grades. Ever since he started talking to his soulmate he’d been doing worse and worse on tests and quizzes during his classes. There was an important history exam today and Castiel knew if he focused on anything except for the presidents of the United States and the stupid Constitution he’d probably fail it too. 

Castiel still hadn’t gotten the chance to guess his soulmate’s name, which was one of the most important things to him at the moment. He only had six days left before he’d practically be a murderer. With a sigh, he realized he should probably try a little harder to guess. But whenever he was at home, it was so difficult to concentrate on someone he didn’t know when there were plenty of things that needed to be done right in front of him. Castiel walked away from Dean before the teenager could say another word. However, he couldn’t deny the curiosity of why Winchester wanted to speak to him. 

“Good morning,” Castiel greeted Charlie. Before she replied hello, she looked irritated with something and it made Castiel think. She usually never got worked up about things, maybe there was something wrong? No, it’s probably just some fictional form of irritation. Castiel guessed maybe her favorite character died or she lost an expensive comic book, but he was far from right. 

“Is something wrong?” 

“Oh, umm…” Charlie slammed her locker shut, “No! No, of course not, why would you think something was wrong?”

Castiel narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “Charlie, I’m not an idiot.”

“Yes, you are,” Charlie mumbled under her breath, but Castiel didn’t hear, and if he did he chose not to say anything. Charlie looked down at her rainbow colored school folders and notebooks with cute little labels on them and her twisted headphones that hung on her flannel covered arms. Her red hair was as wavy as ever and it almost halfway matched her band tee. 

“Okay, well, just know you can talk to me about anything.” Castiel replied kindly, knowing that he at least tried to help her. “You sound like my parents,” Charlie grumbled, shoving her earphones in her ears. Castiel rolled his eyes. “See ya at lunch, Charlie.” 

*~*~*~*  
Castiel walked past the row of lockers as students fled to them, putting away their books for lunch. Dean Winchester slammed his shut, making Castiel jump in surprise at the loud noise. Dean’s eyebrows had creased and his eyes were as sharp as his jawline. Upon further inspection, he noticed several marks across Dean’s face.

Castiel had a suspicion that maybe he’d gotten into a fight. It wasn’t uncommon at school, because for many, fighting was just a way of asserting dominance. Of course, Castiel never participated in foolish events like school fights and didn’t plant to. 

Castiel didn’t feel the need to show his worth, because he figured he wasn’t worth anything anyways.

Dean leaned against his locker instead of storming off like Castiel thought he would. What was he doing? His curiosity got the best of him. Castiel set his books neatly in his locker on a self-constructed shelf and looked at the dusty floors on his way to the upset jock. “Is something wrong?” Dean didn’t meet his eyes. 

“What? No. Nothing's wrong.”

“Dean, you're covered in bruises and you've got that fiery look in your eyes. You've done something. What is it?” Castiel stared him down.

“How the hell can you know that look?” Dean asked Castiel anxiously, watching Lisa stroll down the hall with her friends. He looked down at the floor. 

“I just do,” Castiel bravely pushed Dean's chin up to meet his eyes. “And I know you're upset. Don't lie to me even if I am just a geek.” Dean closed his eyes but Castiel had seen enough. His heart was racing the way Dean's did before a game. 

“It's… You…” Castiel mostly sputtered gibberish, because he had made a special connection. “You… you rescued me from the lake, didn't you?!” Castiel slammed Dean into the locker, causing the people around them to stare. 

“Uh, Novak, listen…”

Castiel felt oddly affected by the use of his last name. He felt as if Dean had used some sort of nickname like his siblings had given him and now it seemed weird to use his last name. “Yes, okay. Tell me why you left. Why you knew I was in the lake. Were you watching me??” 

“Can we… not talk about this here? Maybe somewhere more private?” Dean asked, his eyes travelling across the hallway at the students whose eyes trained on them.

Dean pulled Castiel along to the men's locker room. “You need to calm down. You're overreacting.” Football players filed in the room, some wondering what had happened to Dean and others just followed. Dean noticed them instantly, and one of his close friends came over and gave Castiel a glare. “And… I don't know what you're talking about.” Castiel's eyes blazed with anger he couldn't contain. “You filthy liar!” 

“Even if I did save you from drowning in some messed up fantasy of yours, why would you be mad at me?” Dean asked, playing along for the hell of it. 

“Because you're lying to impress these people you call friends! Can't you just tell the goddamn truth?” Castiel asked, slamming his fist into the locker. 

“Whoa, there, uhmm… I think you didn't get enough sleep last night or something. Why don't you just…” Dean smirked at his companion. “Why don't you just go kill yourself?”

((I'M JOKING, DEAN WOULDN'T SAY THAT.)) Castiel’s head was spinning and he wasn’t sure he heard Dean right. “What did you say?”

“I said, why don't you go grab a coffee?”

Castiel did the only thing he could do. He ran; he slammed the door behind him, and ran all the way to Gabriel. “Gabe,” he cried into his brother's shoulder. “I can't do this anymore.” Castiel couldn’t believe how everything was turning against him, even his own brain.

“Cassie, what's wrong??” Gabriel panicked, rubbing circles in his back. “Stupid fucking W-Winchester… liar… I hate him…” Castiel hid his face and tried to keep the years away. He knew he was pathetic, he knew he was weak, and he knew he should’ve never talked to Dean Winchester.

“Winchester? Sam or Dean?” 

“What? Dean. He's a big stupid hot jerk!” Castiel alarmed himself. “I mean.. That is.. Agh, you know what I mean! Gabe, what do I do?” 

“Well, what did he do?” Gabe asked comfortingly, but really he was planning ways to kill Dean Winchester, popular jock or not. Castiel frowned, “He saved my life.” Gabe shot him a confused look, which Castiel saw because he had finally let go. “At the lake, out by the clearing… I nearly drowned but he jumped in and rescued me. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be alive. And yet he cares more about his popular friends than me. He cares more about those assbutts than he does about me! And you know what? I don’t care! I don’t want him to.” 

Castiel felt something on his arm and looked down. “Twenty-two-sixty-three, that’s where you talked to me.” Then, below those words all small and black was the word “Sorry.” Castiel sniffled in disgust. He didn’t know what the first part meant, but he sure as hell didn’t want to know. 

Gabriel pulled out a lollipop and handed it to his younger brother. Castiel just stared at it in disapproval and forced his face into his hands. “Yeah, Dean’s a huge dick, but why do you care so much about him? Don’t you have a soulmate to worry about, little bro?” 

“That’s just it, Gabriel…” Castiel began, looking back at his wrist. “I think it’s him. It’s Dean. It’s gotta be him.”


	8. It's Only A Matter Of Time

Castiel had left Gabriel to think on his own, while he ran across town all the way to the bridge. There was a really old one just outside the middle of town. It had been there as long as Castiel could remember, but he hadn’t seen it in years. He missed it and knew it was probably the safest place for him to go at the time. His parents were just plain assholes, he wasn’t going to them for comfort. He shouldn’t have left Gabriel, because that was the only real person he could really connect with. Lucifer wouldn’t have really cared about his problems, he may not have even listened completely, but he would’ve understood what Castiel was going through. Balthazar wouldn’t have cared, either, but he would’ve probably killed someone to make Castiel happy, and that’s what matters, right?

Still, Castiel knew above all that the bridge was the place to go. 

It was mostly silent. The waters were more quiet than usual, which was odd to him, but the wind was insanely loud in his ears. He liked it that way, when he didn’t want to hear his own thoughts because then he’d probably jump off the bridge. 

Life was alright for Castiel, most of the time. It was a lot better than others. His soulmates’ life, Dean’s life… it was a worse hell than he could ever imagine, he was sure of it. But that didn’t make him feel any better about himself. Jumping the bridge seemed like a pretty good idea, he figured, and it wouldn’t be too painful. 

Castiel didn’t speak. There wasn’t a point, especially since he knew he’d wasted too many words that day. He sat on the edge of the bridge, looking out into the vast waters and wondered how he could be in charge of two lives. Not only his own shitlife, but his soulmates’, too! He didn’t want to have so much responsibility thrust on his shoulders without warning. Now if someone died he’d consider it all his fault, and he’d likely fall into crippling depression. 

With a frown, Castiel looked down into the water at his own reflection. His hand caressed his cheek, wishing that someone else might do the same, and stared into his own eyes. He saw bright green ones staring back at him. He grabbed a loose stone from the side of the bridge and threw it down at his face, splashing away the emerald eyes. 

“I hate you.” And when he looked back, he wasn’t sure who he was talking to. 

*~*~*~*  
It was yet another day, and the first thing Castiel noticed was the deepest mark of red he’d ever seen in his life on his arm. Dean must’ve- his soulmate must’ve done it again. It’d make sense for Dean Winchester to do it, totally…. It makes PERFECT FUCKING SENSE. Castiel wiped his sleepy eyes and looked at the mark again. He’s perfect, he’s popular, and he’s got it all. Who knows what lies he’s been feeding Castiel, if it even is him?

Castiel wanted to smash a book into his face. Just to show him that he was real, and he wasn’t just hurting himself. Castiel felt the pain too, like he hadn’t before. It was as real as he was, but his soulmate surely didn't know that. Maybe Castiel should enlighten him. 

He grabbed a pen off the side table and wrote on his arm. I can feel that, you asshole.

Castiel didn’t expect a response, but when he got one, he couldn’t deny the butterflies in his stomach. I’m sorry, Cas. It’s the only way to take away the pain without leaving you.

You don’t have the right to call me that, Castiel wrote. 

No response. Castiel threw the pen across the room, smacking the poster he had on his wall. “How dare…” Castiel quickly got ready for school and hopped on the bus, zoning everyone and everything along the way. He didn’t even take out his earbuds at school when Charlie tried to talk to him. Nothing, absolutely nothing was worth it. 

Castiel walked past the football field, seeing how cold and dead the grass looked. It reminded him of himself. It didn’t snow too often around town, it was mostly fall-like weather in the winter. A few times, it snowed, but that was pretty rare. Castiel thought the snow was beautiful. He wished it would snow more often, and maybe end the football season sooner. That would make the jocks less mean and egotistical. 

Carrying on through the day was a normal drag. He excelled in all classes except one, Sex ED. He absolutely hated that class. It was even worse to have so many attractive people in his class, and even a good looking professor. He often played on his phone or doodled on his arm to pass the time.

Of course, he chose a seat at the back of the class and hid behind a book. “Mr. Novak, would you mind demonstrating how to put on a condom for the class?” Castiel almost choked on his own spit. 

“See, take the condom…. and the banana… and slip it on. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.” Castiel refused, but the professor just laughed and left him alone for the rest of class. Castiel had been playing on his phone the entire time and got up to leave when he heard the professor speak. “Now, Winchester, why don’t you go talk to him?” 

Confused, Castiel turned his head and looked at them both. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Dean responded to her, smirking. Castiel’s heart rate accelerated because he knew they were talking about him. “Come here, Novak. I know something’s going on between the two of you. I’m no guidance counselor, but I think you should sort it out now. I’ll leave two to it.” 

“What? How do you know?”

“You two have been sneaking glances at each other for my whole class. I assume it’s important.”

They both blushed, Castiel more so than Dean. “Castiel, I don’t know what she’s talking about. I’ll just leave you alone.” Dean picked up his books to leave, but Castiel extended his hand, pushing against Dean's chest. “You don't need to.” 

“I don't have much right.” Dean began, looking back from the door to the black haired teenager beside him. “I'm giving you the right now. Explain yourself.” Castiel invited him closer, but Dean rejected the polite offer. “I can't. Not yet.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because, I can't…” Dean Winchester tugged on the ends of his sweatshirt. He wanted desperately to be able to. He wanted to stay in Castiel's presence and just talk to him, but he couldn't. So he left.

Castiel expected a confession, but he supposed it was only the eighth day. Maybe it just need to take time. He was angry with Dean anyways, even if the jerk wasn't his soulmate. It was probably a good thing that Dean left, because then he wouldn't have to deal with him…. or the feelings that came along with him. 

Of course Castiel felt bad about rejecting his supposed soulmate. He didn't want to hurt Dean Winchester, or lose him. But he didn't want to be bound to him, either. That didn't keep him from staring at his wrist all day, wishing calligraphy or drawings or just SOMETHING would appear. It was the cleanest his arm had been since the drawings first began. 

Charlie was waiting for him inside the lunchroom, so Castiel eased into his usual seat on the bench-like table. “You look tense. What's wrong?” She asked, pushing food in front of him. Castiel nudged it to the other side of the table and frowned. “I think… Charlie, I know who it is.” 

Charlie's mind went into panic zone, leaving her speechless. “It's Dean Winchester. It has to be.” Castiel’s fingers curled to form a fist. He wasn’t 100% positive, but he didn’t really want to think about the clues. He didn’t look at his arm for a while, mostly because he didn’t feel anything whatsoever. There was no sign of any writing or drawings anywhere. It’s like there were never any to begin with. He could’ve assumed he’d never even spoken to his soulmate if it weren’t for the fading but still visible scars. 

“Dean Winchester? What makes you think that?” Charlie asked slyly, unlocking her phone. She began typing, not showing him as she did so, and then put her phone in her pocket. “Well, I don’t really want to think about it. I’m trying to pretend it isn’t true.” Castiel admitted shyly, crossing one leg over the other. He looked down at his plate of food, left untouched by him.   
“Why? I thought you wanted to find your soulmate.” Charlie asked, humming thoughtfully. Castiel was grateful for her support, of course, but he knew that Charlie was Dean Winchester’s friend. He didn’t really know how much they spoke, but he knew they were at least acquaintances now, since they hadn’t been when he first told her about what was going on. 

“Of course I did, Charlie, but I don’t want it to be him!” Castiel exclaimed, loudly, causing some of the people beside them to stare. “Okay, look, I know things may get a little dark around here to me if I don’t go with him, if it is him, but I’m not sure how much I care. He’s a complete assbutt.” Castiel ranted, mostly to himself, but Charlie listened patiently. “He may be attractive, and his life IS in danger, but he’s not a good person!” 

“I’m not saying that isn’t true, but how do you know he isn’t a good person?” Charlie asked in deep thought. She ate some of her food during the long moment when Castiel couldn’t figure out anything to say. “He’s been bullying me, Charlie. Of all people, why the hell me?”

“I’ll be right back. Or, hopefully soon. See you later. I’ll get the answer to your question.” 

Castiel reached out for Charlie, trying to keep her in her seat, but she didn’t listen. She left the lunchroom and went to look for Dean, who was alone for once. “Dean fucking Winchester, Castiel knows! And you’ve been BULLYING him? What’s going on?” She interrogated him in a halfway teasing tone. “Yeah, well, you don’t need to know the details. There’s things only he knows.” 

“I know.”

“Well, then… I bully him because they all want me to. I just can’t take any more abuse, Charlie. At home, I’m ducking to save my hide and Sammy’s, and I’m not going to ruin the only safe place I have. Even if it means keeping Cas safe. I know it’s selfish, I know, but I never get a break! You just don’t understand what it’s like!” 

“Are you alright, Dean?” Lisa appeared, looking concerned out of a room. She must’ve been doing some sort of assignment with a teacher, because they stepped out too, messy hair and dangling tie (said teached scrambled out of the way anxiously and down the long hallway). Charlie sighed, because she knew what was going on, but Dean was too wrapped up in his feelings about Castiel to notice the obvious. She walked up to him and gave him a simple kiss on the cheek. Dean let her, and didn’t protest, but didn’t do anything in response. 

“Dean has a soulmate!” Charlie blurted, covering her mouth with her hands when it finally came out. Lisa looked bewildered and leaned down, meeting Dean’s emerald green eyes. “Is this true? You told me you didn’t have one.” 

“That was months ago. I’ve got one now, that probably hates me-”

Lisa looked at Charlie when she began talking. “But he’s going to keep trying, because this person is meant to be with him. So, is there something you need to say, Dean?” Charlie was on the edge of her seat, feeling both excitable and nervous about the situation. 

“Go away, Charlie.” 

Charlie gave a Sammy-frown and left, sneaking around the corner so she could watch. Dean stood up and changed from a ball on the floor to a tall, dark, and handsome teenager with a very questioning lady friend on his hands. “Lisa, listen… I still have feelings for you, somewhat…” Dean returned to a middle school anxious boy confessing to his crush once again, “But my soulmate is worth it. I’m lucky enough to have one, and I’m sorry that you don’t, but there IS someone else out there for you. I’m sure of it. I think we should be over. Whatever we may have had is gone and we need to move on. Promise me you’ll be okay?” 

Tears fell down Lisa’s cheeks, but Charlie couldn’t hear any crying noises. It made it even sadder, knowing that she kept it all bottled up away from everyone. “Y-yes, Dean, I’ll be okay..” Lisa wiped her tears on her yellow colored sleeve and looked up at him with big, sad eyes. “Will you at least let me have one more kiss?” Dean smiled softly, for he knew it was the least he could do when Lisa had taken the break up so strongly, and caressed her cheek.

His lips met hers, mixing with salty tears, and she kissed back. Dean knew it didn’t have a spark, of course there wasn’t one, but there was almost the reassurance of peace. Whatever the case, he was grateful for the kiss because it helped push away the guilt. He was grateful for the absolution. 

“Hey, Charlie, where’d you-” Castiel’s footsteps stopped as he watched Dean’s lips across Lisa’s passionately. It seemed like a strong kiss, even if that wasn’t true, and to him- it looked even worse. Castiel’s mind liked to work against him and twist things to deepen their meaning and make everything more dramatic than it needed to be.

Castiel’s eyes were glazed, but he hadn’t taken any drugs. Even though he hated that boy, he couldn’t help but feel even more betrayed than before. He should’ve expected that much coming from Dean Winchester, the living eye candy everyone loved so much. But… if Dean really was his soulmate, why would he be kissing someone different? Didn’t he WANT Castiel to like him back? 

The kiss didn’t last as long as it seemed to, but after Dean gave Lisa a comforting hug he eyed Castiel across the hallway with a surprised look on his face. “I’ll see you around, Lisa,” Dean managed to mumble. She walked away, putting on a strong face for her peers. 

“Cas, wait, you don’t understand, that was-” Dean panicked, in attempt to protest and work for his case, but Castiel didn’t want to hear any of the lying, filthy words that came out of Dean’s mouth. “I see exactly what that was, Winchester. I see. I know.” Dean approached him quickly and folded his hands over Castiel’s two. “No, you don’t… it’s not what it looks like.” Castiel shook his head, shivering from the sparklike touch. “I don’t care! I don’t want you!” He managed to break free and run down the halls, skipping past eavesdropping Charlie and all the way to the men’s bathroom. Of course, he didn’t hear the bell ring over the sound of his own crying. Why did this matter to him so much? It shouldn’t bother him as much as it was. This shouldn’t bother him, because he didn’t want Dean Winchester to be his soulmate. 

He didn’t care about what may happen to either of them by going against their fate, and yet… he still wanted to love someone who didn’t have the strength to love themself. 

Castiel wished to hear his soulmate open the door, come in and hold him tight, but that was just a stupid dream that would never come true. He wasn’t Cinderella, there wasn’t some fairy watching over him, and there was absolutely nothing he could do to help himself, either. 

He skipped his classes for the remainder of the day, staying alone in the bathroom. Charlie managed to find him after a while, and didn’t hesitate to open the men’s bathroom door. “Oh my God, Castiel, you’re a mess!” She offered her hand, to which Castiel took. She led him outside, giving him a tissue along the way out the school doors. “You’re desperately in love, you know that?” 

Castiel sniffled on her shoulder and sighed, “I know.. But I can’t figure out the hell why…” 

“Soulmates!” Was Charlie’s only response. She quickly led Castiel to the row of bleachers out by the football field. She chose this spot because, one, she had a feeling they’d see Dean out there at some point, and two, it had a clear view of the sky that would help Castiel relax. They waited a moment, and Dean sure enough came out onto the field, but not in uniform like the other football players. He was carrying his uniform in his hands. Castiel didn’t hear any of the words spoken during that conversation, but he knew that when Dean approached the coach and held out his uniform he wasn’t looking to have it cleaned. He was turning it in, and giving up his spot on the team. The coach was very angry and began yelling but Dean only respectfully nodded his head, murmuring something, and walked down to the edge of the field. He didn’t look back, not to even see the look of sympathy on his soulmate’s face. 

Castiel looked at Charlie, who wrapped her hand around his shoulder and sighed sadly. “You know what you need to do, don’t you? Save his life, Castiel. It’s all up to you.”

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey, I know this one's kinda different than the others. There wasn't even a clue! Dean's too depressed for any of this right now. Chapter title, I wasn't sure, but it was inspired by Hamilton on the last song and I figured since both are depressing why not?? Anyways, I know you probably didn't enjoy the bit about Lisa but good things to come, maybe, hopefully? Guess!!


	9. The Play of Life

“Play Tryouts 3:00 to 4:00 in the High School Gym!” Castiel heard over the announcements. He smiled, planning immediately to not leave school as early as he usually did. He thought about asking Charlie to try out, but she refused because “the girls were too obsessed with men.” Castiel had rolled his eyes at her and suggested that she join AV Club. She, of course, had already joined and laughed at him. 

Castiel looked at the white board and wondered why anyone would ever want to do that many math problems. A few years back, everyone told him he should become a teacher and he’d just smiled, but now that he had gotten older he realized that he didn’t want anything to do with school for any longer than he had to. He enjoyed learning, that was true, but he surely didn’t like going to school and dealing with all the stress.

He was solving the biggest problem of his life right now and he was starting to not care about finishing his math homework. Therefore, his gradings had dropped to Bs and Cs instead of As, earning him a visit from his teacher. “Mr. Novak, are you doing alright? You seem rather off lately,” the teacher walked up to him and set a paper with a red 69 underlined on the desk. “No, sir, my head isn’t in it,” Castiel answered truthfully with a sad smile. 

“I can see that,” Castiel’s teacher sighed and sat at a desk beside him. “Is there anything I can do to help?”  
“Hmm…” Castiel looked up at him. “Well, maybe give me some advice?” The teacher nodded and smile, resituating himself with his large stack of papers. “Go on.” 

“I’ve got a soulmate.” Castiel sighed back. The teacher shook his head, discouraged by the source of the issue. He didn’t think sixteen and seventeen year olds should have to worry about love, he thought they should focus on their studies and secure a successful life for themselves. But Castiel was one of his best students, and he knew he should listen if there was a related problem troubling him. “He’s… troubled,” Castiel showed the teacher his scarred wrist, “and he’s not going to stop unless I tell him I know it’s him, but I don’t want to.”

“Why not?” The teacher asked with a frown, staring at the marks. “Because I’ve met him. He’s been bullying me, along with his friends. He wants to impress them or something and I don’t like him. I don’t want to tell him I know his name. But if I don’t, then… he’s going to take his own life.” Castiel finished, braiding his fingers together. He was nervous, for being responsible for someone’s life, and for being alone. 

“That wouldn’t be good,” The teacher agreed peacefully. “Castiel, you are a bright young man. Seems to me like you’ve got someone whose life you are capable of saving, and whether or not you want to be with them, it would be desirable to keep them alive.” Castiel knew what his teacher meant, he knew what he was being persuaded to do, and it was the first time he had thought about it in that form. He supposed he’d just get through the rest of the day and think about it before he went to sleep as he usually ended up doing. “Yes, I agree with you. Thanks, your help is much appreciated,” Castiel assured him. The teacher smiled and excused Castiel from the room. 

*~*~*~*

“Cassie, you’re here!” Gabriel exclaimed, approaching Castiel with the signature smile he provided everyone. “Yes, Gabe, you know I’ve been looking forward to this play for a while now.” Gabriel nodded in understanding; the two had conversed about it before, but had not mentioned it recently.  
“Who do you plan trying out for?” Gabriel asked, swirling a lollipop around his tongue. “Remind me.” 

Castiel clicked his tongue, unsure of what to respond to his older brother. “Well, I might try for the lead part, but I’m sure there are more qualified actors than myself to get it.” He crossed his arms for comfort, something he found himself doing rather often. Dean Winchester walked into the room with a few girls trying out for Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy. “Right. Like anyone’s a better actor than you,” Gabriel snorted and sort of stared at Dean when he approached the chairs. “He might be,” Castiel mumbled under his breath, but his brother somehow managed to hear him. 

“I doubt it, but we’ll see!” Gabriel gathered all the people trying out for the play into one big circle and addressed them confidently. He was the director, believe it or not, and Castiel figured he’d introduce the play quite nicely with his cheerful attitude and encouraging smile. 

Gabriel sat down beside his friends, another director and a few students. He watched and took notes as each person did their part up on the stage of the auditorium. There were a few of his friends, who he found harder to correct and reject than the rest of them. It was easier to critique people he didn’t know well than people he often spoke to. No matter the person, Gabriel was jubilant the whole time, supporting everyone who performed and making their anxiety just a little better. This especially mattered for Castiel, who was met with an even bigger smile than the previous tryouts. 

Barely anyone knew that Castiel could sing. He did it well, and sometimes performed in choir at church, or sometimes with his family which had become more rare as the years got longer. He was a great actor and had often tricked the trickster (Gabriel) himself! But he didn’t like to brag about it and strayed from the subject. Today, he thought, he was going to step out of his comfort zone and have fun doing something he thought he’d never find himself doing. 

Gabriel was honestly shocked by his performance, having expected less skill than Castiel showed. He knew his brother was an amazing actor, but he didn't expect him to be THAT good. Of course, Castiel had a lot of stage fright and messed up once or twice in spite of it, but Gabriel knew from experience that these sort of things could be perfected over time. 

Castiel hid behind Gabriel the rest of the time, having been embarrassed for singing in front of everyone so dramatically. He honestly wasn’t sure how he followed through with it, especially after catching Dean Winchester’s eyes midway through. That’s where he felt his words choke up and his vocal range lower. It was okay, though, because Castiel thought he did well for someone who hadn’t performed in front of others before. 

Dean Winchester seemed much different than Castiel expected him to be. When they went through the different options for parts, and tested out a few different characters on him, Castiel noticed he acted better as Aaron Burr although Dean struck him as more of a full-on star Alexander Hamilton. Maybe it was just the lighting of the stage, but Castiel swore something was different about his eyes. Regretful, almost. Just like Aaron Burr had been after he shot Hamilton. Gabriel nudged Castiel back up to the stage and apologized in advance, but Castiel was already upset with him. “Go ahead and act out the last scene, from the script. Dean as Burr, Castiel as Hamilton.” 

Castiel glared at the both of them, thankful that some of the crowd had dispersed, seeing at it was toward the end of tryouts. He would definitely get his brother for this later. But he acted out the scene just as he would’ve with anyone else. He confirmed his theory about the Winchester’s eyes and what was behind them. He realized, though, that the reason for shown regret may have been him. Or at least related to him. Then again, Castiel knew he often overthought the simplest things and probably wasn’t thinking properly. He shook it off with a shrug when Gabriel told them to switch. 

Dean was as handsome as a star, that’s for sure, and the ladies who had followed him praised him when they were finished, but Castiel didn’t need approval. He didn’t really care if the girls liked him as Dean seemed to. He didn’t see the purpose of caring so much when he wasn’t going to see any of them in college or in life. Except, maybe, Dean Winchester. The thought sent shivers down his spine. 

“You’re amazing, Cassie!” Gabriel screeched to him, shaking his shoulders. Castiel shrugged him off and leaned against the wall by the chairs of the auditorium. “Thanks, Gabe, but…” 

Dean Winchester approached Castiel, glancing behind him before carrying on. “Hey, I wanted to say nice job today, Cas. I mean Castiel.” Dean nervously scratched his head and looked to the side, ignoring Gabriel who was currently staring at the two of them. “Thank you…” Castiel trailed off, somewhat confused and half-awake. He thought about mentioning what happened in the hallway. But he decided to wait for Dean to bring that up. 

“Hey, earlier…” Dean looked up at him. Castiel didn’t think he’d ever seen Dean Winchester act submissive in front of anyone but him. With Lisa, he was dominant as well as with everyone Castiel had ever seen. But right now he seemed below Castiel. It was either that or Castiel just felt higher because he was accomplished (or because of the look of guilt on Dean’s sexy face). “I promise it wasn’t what it looked like. I sort of broke up with Lisa, you know. She wanted one last kiss and I’m a man of honor, so I gave it to her.” Dean explained and Castiel found himself wondering why he even cared, or why Dean cared enough to tell him why he did what he had done. 

It didn’t matter, because to Castiel, that was enough. “It wasn’t… Oh..” 

Dean smiled, a happy smile, and nodded before stashing the script into his backpack. “Yeah. Just wanted you to know.” His fingers nervously twitched as Castiel reached out for him. Castiel’s hands found their way unto Dean’s and together they tightened their grasp. 

Neither one of the two knew what was happening in that moment, but everyone watching sure as hell knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys!! I know this was short, but I was just too excited to get this story rolling some more. I think the next three chapters will be much longer so it'll all work itself out in the end, I promise. Speaking of the end, after three chapters it'll be over! Eeek, I'm excited to finish a story since most of mine have been unfinished ideas. Anyways, kudos? Or at least thoughts about the chapter or the story in general? Thanks! Until next time :3


	10. Save Me, My Love...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:I should really put more triggers because of all the self harm. Oh whale, but warning there is abuse in this chapter. Oh wait, fluff? What's that doing there?

Castiel forced his face into his soft pillow, closing his eyes. He had gotten a clue already two days ago, as soon as he got home, but he hadn't paid much attention to it. He already knew who his soulmate was, so why bother? It had read, “Today I tried out for the play, it was different to me, but it was okay.” Castiel wasn't sure why it was different to him but he didn't really care. But that was when Castiel, too, had auditioned in the auditorium. He'd gotten a scar that day, too, but at least it wasn't the horrible deepness it had been before. That was when he was still slightly uncertain. 

Now he knew who it was for sure, because he had seen things he could never quite unsee. He heard the old clock in his house chiming regularly, but he found the sound irritating. It was just a reminder that he didn’t have much time to save a life. He had two days left, and the images he’d been cursed with that day were burning his mind.

It took everything to keep his position. He didn’t want to out himself in a situation where he’d be bound to anyone, although his image of Dean Winchester had improved significantly since the moment he met the teenager. It was much different, with all this knowledge. The feeling was similar to when you get your hands on someone’s diary and you have a whole list of opportunities in front of you to do whatever you want with them. You could expose the information or keep it a secret and let it tear you apart. 

He hated himself for not doing enough as he felt the slice. 

There were certain precautions he could’ve taken. There were so many things that he was responsible for, but yet he didn't try to do anything about them before. He blamed his procrastination, but it was probably also his increasing anxiety since he’d discovered his soulmate. With a deep sigh and a glance out the window, he wished wishing stars had real value. 

Today the cut was deep, probably deeper than it had ever been. Castiel never thought a person was capable of undergoing that much pain. But he knew Dean's state of mind, he knew. It was reasonable considering what he'd seen and what he now knew. 

Castiel could recall the details of the evening perfectly. 

*~*~*~*

He decided to conduct an experiment that afternoon. Dean's car wasn't the fastest he'd ever seen, but it was difficult to keep up with as he slinkied behind buildings in attempt to stay hidden. The weather wasn't great, it never had been, but he didn't care. It started snowing the longer Castiel tailed them, and he shivered underneath the minimal warmth jacket he’d managed to grab on the way out the door. His brothers had stolen almost all his clothes by now anyways. 

Castiel was really good at hiding, he'd discovered that much. If Castiel didn’t know Dean’s home life conditions he would assume the popular teen had a nice house in a nice neighborhood. But all the houses on this block looked like shit with the paint chipped and windows broken. Castiel wasn’t sure why they didn’t bother keeping it better looking. Castiel thought Dean looked almost aged when he led his brother into the house. “Sammy, watch your step, and don’t make eye contact. Ever.” He heard Dean mumble across the driveway as they closed the door and walked into the house.

Castiel got really nervous and scrambled up to the window, peeking inside. Since it was chipped in the corner, he could hear what was going on the house and could see since it didn’t have curtains. 

“Cassie!” An unexpected voice exclaimed, jumping on his shoulders. Castiel nearly jumped out of his skin or made a loud noise but thankfully he didn’t. “Gabriel, what are you doing here??”

“I may have followed you as you followed them. You were acting suspicious and I figured I should tag along.” Gabriel admitted, rubbing his head with a cheesy smile. Castiel didn’t get to respond, since he heard a loud noise inside. His attention towards the window, where he saw a shadow from across the wall. There was a man with a beer bottle. And then there was Dean, blocking Sam from view. “Did you get the money?” A gruff voice asked, Castiel assuming it was the one with the beer bottle. “Yes, sir, I worked fifty-four hours for it.” Castiel identified Dean’s voice, but it was much shakier than usual. Castiel didn’t know it could sound so frightened. 

“How much?” The other voice slurred. 

“Around $500, sir,” Dean answered with a hitch in his breath. Castiel saw the other shadow rise, and heard Sam’s younger voice. “I’ve got $50 from shoveling driveways,” He contributed to the situation. 

“That’s nOT ENOUGH!” The voice had screamed, causing Sam to shrink back in what Castiel assumed to be fear. Dean stood strong, almost straighter than before, and lowered his gaze. “I’m sorry, sir. It’s all they would pay me. The rent is only five hundred dollars. We would still have fifty for food and stuff.” Dean mumbled. 

“And how the hell do you think I’m supposed to get my booze, boy?” The man stepped closer to Dean, grabbing him by the collar. “Don’t mumble. That is DiSrepECTfuL. When I have to provide food and shelter for you shitheads,” he raged, “and send you to school, never home to clean the fucking house… only to have you treat me like THIS.” 

Dean gasped as the man wrapped his fingers around his throat, while Sam stood anxiously by the corner of the room. He didn’t appear to be strong enough to take on the man. “You could work-” 

Castiel heard a choking noise. He felt tension in his own throat, like he should be helping, but his own feet wouldn’t move. Gabriel looked the same way, so Castiel did not feel as bad as he used to. Dean’s shadow was now raised above the floorboard, but the choking noise had thankfully stopped. Suddenly, Dean got the courage to make a move. He knocked the bottle out of the man’s hands and it shattered to the floor. The man got very angry and slammed his fist into Dean’s chest. Dean held his ground, though, and managed to handle it. He didn’t hit back, even when the man continued to hit him. The door suddenly fell open and Dean let himself fall on the porch, backing slowly away from the man. 

Sam had tried to push the man away, but it looked like a child versus a truck. His efforts were taking them nowhere. “Don’t touch him!” Sam shouted. Dean’s eyes were both blackened, and Castiel wondered if any bruises would appear on him too. But they didn’t. For some reason, it was only the cuts. The man pulled Dean up by his arms and spat on his cheek. He didn’t say anything, which as an onlooker, was the scariest part. 

The man noticed Dean’s wincing and twisted his arm, nearly breaking it to see what was causing him so much pain. “Take off the damn sweatshirt you filthy piece of trash.” Dean didn't obey. Castiel knew he wanted to keep his scars a secret. 

“I said take it off!” The man slapped Dean's cheek and Castiel heard Sam mumble “Just do it, Dean.” Did Sam not know? Dean pulled the sweatshirt off his head and shoulders, tossing it to the side. The man pulled Dean's arm into view and stopped, looking at what Dean had hid for so long. “What's this?” The man snarled. 

“It's nothing.” Dean yanked his arm away and sheltered it with his other hand and wrist. “Hm, and does your SOULMATE have them too? Is this her fault?” Dean shook his head, but Castiel wondered what he could be thinking. “His soulmates’ a boy!” Sam chirped unknowingly. Dean glanced at Sam, probably more like a glare. Castiel thought curses because he knew better. Gabriel looked at Castiel, and then back at Dean Winchester. He also observed Sam in great detail with a sad smile. 

“Of course it is, you gay shit. How do you think your mother would feel about this?” The man growled, his voice a lot lower than before. Dean glared at him, “How dare you bring Mom into this-” Dean hissed under his breath. 

“I have the right. It wasn't my fault your mother was killed by a demon. No, it was your brother's fault. The damn demon came to poison him, anyways.” The man, Sam and Dean's father, Castiel guessed, was really angry. But Castiel wasn't sure what the hell he was talking about. Demons? Those weren't even real. Maybe it was code for something. 

“Don't you dare blame this on Sammy.” Dean growled in response. “It wasn't anyone's fault. This is what we do. We hunt monsters and that's what we get for doing it.” Castiel was normally attracted to Dean's muscles, especially when he too off all his layers (which was super rare). But right now he could only focus on the fire in Dean's eyes. 

Gabriel was probably the most quiet he had ever been in his entire life. He wasn't smiling which was also pretty rare. Castiel felt his own breath hitch in worry for the two brothers. Hunting monsters. It had to be a sick joke. Castiel remembered the clue that said his soulmate was always on a hunt. He didn't expect it to be a monster hunt. He figured it was deer hunting, or maybe hunting for answers… this was just too much for Castiel to comprehend all at once.

“I can do whatever I want,” the man told him. He kicked Dean more across the porch and out of his way. “Give me the cash.” Dean looked exhausted, and beaten, so much that he caved and stopped being so brave. He dropped fifty dollars in his father's rough hands but no more. The man didn't seem to notice the difference between fifty dollars and five hundred and walked down the porch steps thankfully ignoring Sam. 

The man did not bid them farewell and simply left without another word, getting into the old junkie car instead of the Impala, which was definity a surprise to the Winchester brothers. He drove away fast. 

Castiel exhaled a long breath. Gabriel did too, pulling a own from his coat pocket. He drew an “X” on his hand and looked up, walking calmly to the brothers. He approached Sam and offered him a hand, to which Sam took thankfully. Gabriel stopped and let Sam get to his feet and then hugged him. Castiel had wandered from around the shadowed corner and had slowly began towards the three of them. 

“What-” 

Gabriel let go and showed Sam his hand to reveal a matching X. The younger boy smiled and hugged him back. “You found me,” he whispered. Gabriel nodded, “Sure did, kiddo.” Castiel watched them with hawk eyes, but Dean’s stare was even sharper despite his injured eye. 

Castiel smiled a little and leaned down on the snowy porch beside Dean. “Are you alright?” 

“I'm fine.” Dean answered, wiping his brow. He staggered to stand, and Castiel helping him by providing a leaning post. “Let's get you inside.” Castiel opened the door and helped Dean inside, asking, “where are your medical first aid supplies?” Dean pointed to the bathroom. Castiel ran and grabbed a few things before coming back. He'd been sort of interested in medicine and learned a few things on his free time a while ago. Dean had already started pouring a bottle of liquid on his hand where glass had cut it as his father kicked him across the porch. He winced, and Castiel grabbed it out of his hand in worry. 

“Don't use that! It'll get infected!” Castiel muttered, holding Dean's hand comfortingly. They didn't have any peroxide, so he used soap and water to clean it instead. Then he applied cream and a bandage. When he was finished, he stopped and looked directly into Dean's eyes, nearly saying something he'd regret. “Why didn't you tell me about this? I could have helped you sooner.” 

Dean gave a sad smile and rested his chin on Castiel's hands as the reached up towards him. “I have,” he simply said and Castiel knew exactly what he meant. Castiel looked away and dropped his hand to his side. Dean frowned, wishing his would show more compassion. 

“Alright. Well, I'd like to talk about a few things,” Castiel began confidently. “ Firstly, I’m sort of confused. You hunt monsters?” 

“Yeah, we do. Supernatural shit is real. Monsters are real. Believe it, because if you don’t you may never understand what Sammy and I have to deal with.” Dean answered. Castiel shook his head, wanting to comprehend what Dean meant. “Then take me on a hunt. Prove it. Let me understand,” Castiel pleaded, sitting beside Dean on the couch. 

“No.” Dean immediately growled at him.

“Why not?” Castiel continued, trying to meet Dean’s eyes or at least get the boy to look at him. “I’m not putting my… friend in danger. It’s risky business, Cas, you could die. I won’t allow it.” 

Castiel shook his head. “But-” 

Dean lifted his finger and placed it on Castiel's lips. “No buts.” He forced himself to lay down, closing his eyes. He let himself ease into the couch when Castiel laid beside him. He was shocked that the other teen had decided to, but he was grateful nonetheless. 

Castiel was blushing furiously but didn't hide his face. He nudged his right arm underneath Dean's arm by his torso and around to his upper back. His left hand found its way around Dean's shoulder and stopped beside his neck. Castiel was lying mostly on top of Dean now, but neither of the two cared. Castiel laid his head down on Dean's chest. 

He wanted to say something sweet, or explain his reasoning but he didn't know what exactly to say. So he didn't say anything and nuzzled Dean's neck. The other Dean seemed embarrassed at Castiel's gesture but he enjoyed the attention. 

“I like you, Dean,” Castiel suddenly whispered in his ear. Dean stopped breathing for a couple beats, not expecting anyone to actually tell him so plainly if they ever did at all. “I like you too, Cas,” he murmured back. 

“But I don't know if I love you.” 

Dean opened his eyes. “I understand.” He pressed a kiss to Castiel's head. The teenager felt comforted by the kids, not pressured, and allow himself to be at peace. 

Then Sam walked in alongside Gabriel, holding swinging hands as they peeked through the door. “Ummm… I told you so.” Gabriel laughed and pointed at the two on the couch. Castiel furrowed his eyebrows. Gabriel must have discussed them with Sam at one point. And wait… why was Gabriel holding hands with Sam? Castiel normally would've asked them or showed some sort of interest but he didn't want to leave his position. He didn't want Dean to assume he cared about anything else at the moment besides their own breathing? 

Dean Winchester smelled like many things. He smelled like car oil, smoke, and iron, but there was also another scent that lingered on his blue and green flannel. He smelled of crystal waters and sweet whiskey. He really smelled like the outdoors, specifically pine needles and the earth. When Castiel really, really, thought about it…and when he closed his eyes, he imagined he was laying on top of Dean in the woods, with ratifying mist and soft earth below them only complimented by the trees and flowers around them. Castiel was starting to wonder what he smelled like and if Dean found it attractive. 

Dean was trying to stay loyal to Castiel, but the protectiveness he held for his brother Sam was a lot more to go on, and he couldn’t help but ask what Gabriel thought he was doing. “Who cares about us, what are you two doing?” Sam approached Dean with an amused smile an held out his clean arms, revealing the X that Gabriel had drawn on his own arm. Gabriel copied Sam’s action and Dean finally understood why they were so close. 

“Be careful, Sammy. You know how dad doesn’t like soulmates, especially not dude ones. Don’t get your hopes up and don’t get attached,” Dean muttered under his breath, feeling Castiel clench the hem of his shirt. He rubbed circles in the boy’s back, showing a kind of gentleness he hadn’t shown anyone, not even Sam. It was similar, of course, but it just wasn’t the same. Sam scoffed when he noticed it, “And what are you doing? Not setting a very great example.”

“Right, Cas...tiel, get off me,” Dean hissed, more like a dragged sigh, and nudged the other teenager out of the way. Castiel looked a little upset, maybe because his moment had been ruined or maybe because he felt embarrassed by the fact that he had to be forced away from Dean Winchester. 

“Cassie’s got a big fat crush on Dean-O~” Gabriel sung with a little laugh. Castiel’s glance nervously shifted from one side of the room to another. “Don’t listen to him.”

Dean didn’t quite smirk, but his smile was playful when Castiel swore he heard, “What if it’s something I want to hear?” Castiel ignored it and sat farther away from Dean than before. Sam and Gabriel found a seat on the other chair, but since there was only one Sam ended up laying across the other like a puppy. Dean found it a little annoying on Gabriel’s part, seeing how close he was to Dean’s brother like that. He passed it off when he started thinking about how Castiel had closed himself off and raised his walls once again. Dean was so close to cracking them. 

It had been few hours, really, that the four of them sat in the living room. At one point Gabriel and Sam began playing childish games, like I Spy and Hide and Seek. Dean felt hollow inside, and couldn’t smile no matter how many jokes the two of them made during those hours. Castiel had fallen asleep, curled up in a ball as far as he could possibly get away from Dean. Maybe he felt betrayed, seeing how Dean pushed him away after such a moment of intimacy.

Dean slyly snuggled up to him and snaked his arms around the smaller teen. Beneath him, Castiel felt so vulnerable. So innocent. Dean suddenly felt horrible for bringing him into all of this pain and trouble. “Yeah, right…” Dean thought allowed as Castiel shifted underneath him. He’d never be able to share this moment. But Castiel had only shifted so that their bodies fit into each other perfectly, like two spoons lying beside one another. The couch was only so big, though, and Dean worried one of them would fall off the side. 

But they didn’t. 

A few hours turned into several hours and it was far past dark. Their father still had not returned after driving off that afternoon. It was mostly quiet in the house until the phone began ringing. Sam picked the phone up off its hanging position on the wall and answered it, Gabriel standing beside him. “Hello?” 

“Excuse me, are you Dean Winchester?” Sam shook his head and made a face the person across the line obviously could not see. “No, but I’m his brother, Sam Winchester.” 

“Oh, my, I’m not sure what to say. Your father has been in a car accident and is now at Mercy Greene Hospital in critical condition. I’m afraid he doesn’t have much longer. You and your brother should come down immediately.” 

Sam’s face paled and he dropped the phone, leaving it to hang by its twisty, curly cord against the old, dusty wall. His eyes were wide and scared, making Dean immediately worry for him. 

“Sammy, what’s wrong? What is it?” 

“Dad’s going to die.” 

*~*~*~*

Castiel like awake in his bed, with cold sweat dripping down his neck and his back as he stared at the scars that would mark the pain forever. Below the scar, however, was the clue, “I know you were there, now you’ll understand but damn, I do it all for Sam.” An hour later, there came the drawings, all laced into one big heart that said the words Castiel somehow had been wanting to hear since the very beginning.

“I LOVE YOU.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay I've got a few things to say now :P
> 
> 1\. It is literally SO hard to not make them kiss yet. You don't even know how many times I have almost got ahead of myself by making them closer in circumstances. I usually have a strict plan that I stick to for my stories, but with this one I have changed and sculpted it as I go.  
> 2\. I'm sorry for making John a horrible abusive parent. If I wrote this normally, and there wasn't any self harm, I would portray John as someone who really does care about his kids but tends to go about it in the wrong ways. Don't take it personally if you like John but I needed reasons for why Dean would want to self harm.  
> 3\. Before anyone says anything I would just like to say that I know they're OOC. It's sort of a given, but that's alright. I'm trying to stick to their personalities, but when they're teens, they've got alterations. Keep this in mind if you find yourself thinking that one of them would never do something like that. 
> 
> oh and one last thing, I made Cas initiate a conversation for once :) I'm sorry about the feels for this chapter, I would've went more into detail but it pains me to write the abusive part. I apologize for the cliffhanger, too!! XD 
> 
> P.S. it's hard to type with my new acrylic nails so forgive any errors and I'm horrible at writing fluff so ignore that.  
> HAPPY EASTER FOR THOSE WHO CELEBRATE!!


	11. Loving Whispers

Castiel tried not to remember the look on Dean's face when Sam had said their father was dying. He wasn't exactly pleased; the man was his father after all, but he would be relieved if he didn't have to get daily beatings. 

*~*~*~*

“We need to leave.” Castiel could see Dean's gears shifting as he stumbled over his legs to go. Castiel never wanted to leave. But he knew this was an important matter to Dean and he needed to be supportive. So he stood on his feet, tossed on his jacket, and stepped outside. “Gabe,” Sam leaned into his soulmate and let out a nervous whine. He was in a similar position to the older Winchester but felt a lot worse because the man hadn't physically hurt him yet. 

“What is it, Samsquatch?” Gabriel asked softly, trying to raise the younger boy's mood but to no avail. His concerns were only met with choked sobs as Sam wrapped his long arms around the thin trickster from the front. He sniffled a little, just thinking his father was going to be gone forever. Gabriel led him to the Impala and crawled into the back with him. 

Castiel awkwardly shuffled into the passenger seat, not feeling a shotgun vibe. He didn't feel like he had the right to ride up front. He thought about squishing in the back, but Dean's glare told him not to.

Dean's only focus was getting to the hospital where he would see the man who had lost the love of his life so long ago. 

Once there, Dean walked past the guards and eventually found the right room after Castiel had politely asked a nurse where his father was staying. He didn't know the man’s first name but said Winchester and read the name John beside it on the screen list of patients. The three followed Dean anxiously into the room and stared at John who was no longer conscious. The nurse in the room must have been talking at some point, perhaps stating the man's condition but Dean Winchester did not hear a single word anyone uttered the whole time. Castiel paid attention for him.

The nurse left the room and Dean leaned beside his father, taking the abusive hand into his own. Sam visited him a while too but after a few hours of the same, Gabriel walked him home. Castiel stayed behind and watched Dean attentively. He had been so quiet that Dean thought he was alone with the dying man.

The sound of apologetic crying filled the air. Dean's cheeks were stained with endless tears and his hands had clenched the bedsheets long ago. Castiel decided finally to be of assistance. It was only because Dean had fallen silent, and in Castiel's experience that was never a good thing. He placed his hands onto Dean's strained shoulders and pressed down, almost to support his weight. Dean jumped a little and then relaxed under Castiel's touch.

Dean thought about everything. He thought about how lost he would be if his father actually died that night. Sure, his father had beaten him, but it was his only way to stop grieving his wife's death. Dean had trouble blaming him at times like this. His father had loved his mother so much that when she died, he drove himself insane. Had his vision gone gray? His skin hadn't. Or, maybe… When Dean took a closer look, his father's skin did have a gray tint to it but nothing too noticable.

Is this what would happen to Castiel if he took his own life? 

Dean didn't think he could handle the pressure of thinking about it. He didn't want this to happen to the only person on Earth he was meant to love. Castiel was strong but who's to say he's strong enough to handle this? Dean had always thought his father to be a strong man, yet he hadn't climbed out of the walls keeping him hostage to his own depressing thoughts.

Dean's father had driven himself to drunken depression and because of that he was going to die. In that moment he finally understood what he had to do. He let go of the past, forgave everything anyone had ever done to him and wept more. Castiel was there for him this time, though. Comfortingly hugging him from behind as he cried shamelessly into the pillow. But like a mind reader, Castiel exited the room as Dean decided he was ready. 

“Goodbye,” he whispered as the machine supporting his father's life flatlined.

*~*~*~*

Both Castiel and Dean had dreamt about that moment, specifically the one with only them. And when they both awoke, they had the images vividly kept in their minds. Castiel was trying to get the one of Dean's lips out of his head, the one where Castiel stared into his beautiful, unmistakable green eyes. Dean imagined what might have happened if he decided to give into his instincts and pressed his lips to the other boys’. But he knew Castiel did not feel for him that way despite sharing a comforting embrace. He didn’t want to upset the only person who might even slightly care for him by kissing him. 

He was considering the idea of skipping school today just for the hell of it. But Dean needed comfort. He needed someone to be there for him in a way that his little brother couldn't be. Sam had Gabriel to watch over him, cuddle him, and keep him safe from disturbing thoughts. Who was there for Dean? 

Absolutely no one. His father was now dead as well as his mother, and Castiel had not heard of any grandparents that may have taken him in. What was he supposed to do, live in the house without anyone knowing? 

“Dean, can I speak to you?” Castiel asked upon finding him at his locker. 2263. Of course that was his locker number. Dean's face went deathly pale like a kindergartener going to the principal's office for the first time. “Uh, yeah. Sure, Cas.” 

Castiel smiled to himself at the use of the nickname. It quickly dispersed when Dean's football friends found their way to his locker. “Whatcha doin’, Dean-O?” Diego asked with a smirk. Castiel looked at the ground, getting ready to reject his initial plans.

“Cas. Well, I’m about to… so you should probably go away now. Lots of kinky shit happening in a bit.” Dean grunted under his breath with a small sigh only Castiel was able to hear. Diego and the others curled their noses and stared at the two of them. Castiel choked on his own spit but kept himself together. “Hey, Cas, wanna try out those new ropes I just got? Or the handcuffs?”

Castiel's heart pounded furiously in his chest. Am I supposed to answer that?, he thought to himself. His anxiety levels had raised sky high and he hid behind Dean, using his hoodie to his advantage. The football players thankfully got disgusted and laughed it off before leaving. Castiel was surprised that they had left so quickly without any bullying whatsoever. Dean turned around and wrapped his arms around the smaller teen. “I'm sorry, Cas…” He murmured, pressing his nose to the crook of Castiel's neck. “But I choose you. They're not my friends anymore. It was an effective way to get them gone at least.” 

“Y-yeah, you're right.” Castiel shook off the awkwardness he'd been overcome by and tried to relax under Dean's soft touch. “Would you like to follow me outside?” Dean noticed Castiel's nervous expression. “Obviously not to do anything.” 

Castiel nodded, walking towards the door. Who gives a fuck about first period anyways? Certainly not him; not today for sure. He'd much rather talk to Dean, even if that meant freezing outside in the middle of winter. “What did you want to talk about?” Dean asked, reminding Castiel of his initial thought. 

“Oh, um… I just wanted to ask how you held up last night. Seeing as I wasn't there to… to keep you company, per se. Are you living alone now?” Castiel asked in a hushed whisper although nobody was around to hear anyways. “No,” Dean began sheepishly. “Bobby and Ellen took Sam and I in last night. They've got a daughter namer Jo.” 

“Who's Bobby?”

“He's like my uncle.” Dean explained, wandering around to the clearing where he had saved Castiel's life. He smiled and sat underneath a tree in the snow, not caring one bit that it would make his pants wet or anything. Castiel did the same and leaned against the tree, shifting uncomfortably because of its sharp bark. Dean rolled his eyes in amusement and gently pushed Castiel against his chest. 

“Oh.” Castiel tried to adjust. “Is this alright with you…?” Dean nervously started, showing the other side of himself rarely anyone got to see. “Yes.” 

Dean sighed and relaxed his arms around Castiel the best he could. “So, you've got a different place to live. That's very good. I'm happy for you.” There was a long pause and Castiel just couldn't take the small talk anymore. 

“Okay, we need to stop fucking around and get to the point,” Castiel muttered seriously under Dean's strong thick arms. Dean swallowed his spit and dryly asked, “What point?” 

“The point of this stupid game.” Castiel continued with a sigh. “I know who you are, Dean Winchester.” Castiel laced his fingers through Dean's rough calloused ones. “You are the only one for me.” Dean didn't say anything even though he felt like he should've. Castiel nuzzled into Dean's chest and continued more quietly, “I'm sorry I didn't see it before…” Castiel's fingers tucked underneath Dean's sleeve and traced the scars lovingly. He surprised himself by showing such courage, but he knew it was time. He’d waited long enough with jitters and anxious feelings haunting his dreams. 

“There are still a lot of things I don’t understand, like… your lifestyle.” Castiel thought about the whole monster idea and his brain swirled in shut down mode. “Or the choices you made around those jocks,” he continued with a sigh. “But I do understand why you’ve made these marks, Dean… and you don’t have to anymore. You won’t ever have to again because I’m here for you. I accept you.” 

Dean yanked away his wrist on instinct, being reminded of his father at once. Castiel’s smile faltered and left Dean with a sense of guilt, having glared at him right after the other teen said such kind things to him. “Sorry,” he apologized slowly with a lack of words on his tongue. “My lifestyle is difficult to understand for someone who doesn’t believe.” Dean explained with a frown. He let Castiel take back his arm uncomfortably and watched his every move. “You don’t have to believe it, actually it’s safer that way, but I’d like you to… to believe in me, please.” Dean proceeded to lean his head against Castiel’s, which was something he considered brave. Lately it was tough for him to be close to anyone and doing such a thing with Castiel was a huge improvement on his part. 

“Cas, I was an absolute dick to you, especially with those jocks,” Dean commented sourly, “Why the hell are you accepting me? I’ve done nothing to earn that kindness.” 

Castiel gave a tsk, and caressed the scars carefully so not to scare him. “Yes, you were. I was heartbroken when you agreed with them. I still wasn’t sure if it was you, but… I had a pretty strong feeling. Yet that doesn’t mean I won’t still love you. Your father was not honorable, Dean. I understand why you may not have wanted to be bullied at school and go home to such conditions. I just wish it didn’t have to happen.” 

Dean readjusted his position so that he was sitting on his knees and legs in front of Castiel. “I was stupid and blind.” Dean willed with all his might for the wet drops of tears to stay back. “I didn’t want to get you involved in my life because of all these issues but now you are and I’ve put you in danger.” 

“No, Dean. I’m fine, I’m not in any danger.” Castiel became quickly confused and looked back into his eyes. 

“Dammit, Cas. You don’t get it. My entire freaking life, everyone I have ever loved or cared for has died at my hands. There’s nothing left for me, nothing besides you and Sam. He used to be my only reason for living, but that was because he needed me. I was always there to keep him safe like our father couldn’t. But now he’s got your brother to take care of him. I’m not needed anymore.” 

Anger flashed in Castiel’s sharp blue eyes. “Yes, Dean! Yes, you are!” He pushed Dean over in the mound of snow and leaned over him. “Sam will always need you, because you are his older brother.” Castiel turned his head quickly and stared at the frozen lake. “And I definitely need you.” 

“I may not know everything, but I do know that you’ve saved my life. I know that without you, I won’t ever be content. We need each other, whether you accept that or not, and that’s it. So don’t ever say you aren’t needed again because to me you will always be.” 

Dean’s eyes dilated and he was frozen in shock. Castiel had shown such passive-aggressive behavior for someone so normally quiet. “And Gabriel will be good to Sam. You won’t have to worry about his safety when my brother is looking after him. I think it’s time that you stop worrying about everyone else and start looking after yourself. What do YOU want? What does DEAN want?” 

“I want…” Dean took a deep breath. “I want you, Cas.” 

“I want your eyes; staring into mine, I want your lips; moving against mine, and I want your body; curled up beside mine. I want to share love with you in a way you can only imagine. I want you to be the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I see at night. Cas, I just want everything about you.” 

Castiel’s heart rate accelerated from what it had been already. The loving statement had made him extremely nervous, but he didn’t want Dean to know. “I want you too, Dean.” He leaned in until he could feel Dean's breath on his cheek. 

And then their lips met. 

Dean was shocked at first, allowing Castiel to do most of the work. But it was such a slow kiss that there wasn't really much work anyways. It was passionate, of course, but not lustful. A perfect first kiss in Castiel's opinion. He was just surprised at himself for being the one to initiate it. Very proud, but definitely surprised. 

“I love you, Castiel.” Dean whispered lovingly in his ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: 1000+ views?? Wtf. I'm crying; thank you so much!! I, um, may or may not have forgotten that weekends exist in this story so if someone calls me out on that you're right. I apologize and thank you for reading!! Also, I'd like to hear more of your thoughts. It keeps me inspired and makes me want to continue writing.
> 
> P.S. The way this worked out sorta added another chapter. I was going to do one clue per chapter but oh whale 


	12. A Winter Kiss

After that kiss, Castiel felt conflicted and stared at the sunset on the back porch. Dean’s kiss lingered on his lips, just a faint-like ghost of a memory almost to great to be true. He wanted to experience the sensation again. But the person who had kissed him wasn’t always kind and compassionate. He was a bully, blocked by his own selfish needs and desires.

Castiel didn’t want to be with someone who gave into evils.

He was surprised to see Lucifer sit beside him. “Castiel, why aren’t you inside? You’ll freeze to death out here.” Lucifer’s voice was laced with mild concern. 

“Just thinking,” Castiel responded softly, his eyes still sky-gazing. Lucifer decided to continue asking questions. “Soulmate issues?”

“Yeah. Mine’s got a lot of issues, and they hurt me.” Castiel sighed, thinking about the moment Dean Winchester sided against his own soulmate. “... But today he gave me an explanation and an apology as well as a kiss.” He looked at Lucifer and smiled sadly. 

“Now I’m not sure what to do.”

Lucifer nodded, looking to the sky. “I like to think of life like a sunset. When the day is done and we’ve all made plenty of mistakes, the sunset gives us a chance to look back and see the beauty of them. It gives us the opportunity to go fix it in the morning.” 

Castiel was extremely surprised by his brother’s beautiful statement. Lucifer wasn’t known to say things like that at all and Castiel didn’t even know he was capable. He was probably good at writing poems, Castiel thought, but that just made him think of his soulmate and the poetic words he so rarely heard anymore. He had received a clue the previous night, “You used to think so badly of me, but I hope that changed under the tree.” And it had. Honestly. 

That didn’t make Castiel any more sure of his feelings, but it was definitely a conversation he needed to hear. “You think so?” Castiel asked in a small voice he rarely showed to anyone except his siblings.

“Of course,” Lucifer smoothly replied, laying on his back despite feeling the cold of the snow. 

“Thank you, Lucifer.” Castiel released a long breath and stood to go inside. 

“Anytime,” was the only incoherent reply. 

*~*~*~*~*

It was time to start putting up decorations for that damned winter dance. Castiel didn’t attend any of the other student council meetings so when Gabriel threw a bunch of confetti and streamers at him after school, he was surprised and a little disappointed. It wasn’t that fun of a job, unless you had friends to help you but the only friend he had was Charlie and she wasn’t anywhere to be seen. Castiel knew she probably asked some chick out and was preparing for her big night. Still, it hurt a little that she hadn’t at least texted him. 

Castiel stood upon a chair, growing flustered that he STILL couldn’t reach the spot he was supposed to hang the streamer. There was already a table set up for punch, presumably by his committed brother Michael, but other than that the entire gym was left without a single decoration. The worst part was that he only had a few hours to finish decorating before everyone started showing up to the dance. 

“Need some help?” Castiel’s heart got caught in his throat at the sound of a familiar voice.

Castiel nearly fell off the chair but successfully landed on the ground with a huff. Dean stood behind him, bent his legs, and lifted Castiel up onto his shoulders. The smaller student was blushing beyond belief but kept his composure and hung the streamer. Dean walked to the other side of the room, streamer still in Castiel’s hands and he hung the other side.

“Thank you, Dean.” Castiel sighed in relief when the hunk of muscle set him down. 

“No problemo.” Dean laughed and left the room, coming back with plates of food stacked atop his head and a huge bowl of punch that he held with both his hands. Castiel was impressed until he realized Dean was smirking when he set down the punch. “Let me guess…”

“You spiked the punch.” Castiel finished. “Shh, no! I would never. It’s just got a natural kick to it.” Dean laughed and placed the food neatly on the tablecloth. 

“Right.” 

They set up a lot more decorations, some of which Castiel assured Dean he could reach himself, and others he allowed himself to be lifted. A lot of the Christmas-like decorations were no match to the DJ booth. The DJ had come in about an hour into decorating and set up their own little place in a corner of the gym. From there, Castiel hung snowflakes from the ceiling and placed Santas around the walls. There was a life-size sleigh and reindeer made out of foam they managed to hang with all of Castiel’s siblings’ help. It looked lovely and yet Castiel found himself still taping things to walls by the time the room turned from a few people to a crowd. 

When he had finally finished, Castiel sat on the chair in exhaustion and wondered, where the hell did Dean go? 

It didn’t matter. It wasn’t like he wanted to dance with him anyways. 

Gabriel had been teasing Sam the entire time and Castiel had to admit, he felt a bit of jealousy toward his older brother. They got to be together without any problems and it just wasn’t fair. Then again, all he had to do was write DEAN WINCHESTER on his arm and he could have that same relationship. 

What was stopping him? Why didn’t he just do it already and let himself be happy? If not that, why couldn’t he just do it to save a life? 

There was something unsettling about his choices, but Castiel had a feeling they’d all be sorted out soon. He glanced outside the door and noticed how dark it had gotten. The sky wasn’t even a sunset anymore, but a reflection of a pool of black. The white snow was the only thing he could really see in the sky because not a single star could be seen among the fog in the air. 

“I can’t stop thinking about the kiss, if you go outside I’ll be hard to miss.” The words delicately appeared on his arm, like the person writing them took the longest time to make sure they were perfect. The last word seemed rushed, almost anxious, and Castiel got a weird feeling in his gut. 

Castiel took a deep breath, his heart racing as he stepped outside. Immediately the cold air stung his eyes and confined his lungs, making it even harder to breathe than before. 

Dean’s shadow was perfect against sparkling snow. Castiel had never took time to admire shadows, nor snow the way he did now. He found his movements sluggish as he approached the jock. He also found his mouth to be dry and his hands unusually sweaty despite the freezing temperatures. “H-Hello, Dean.” 

Dean’s face was like a tomato, but he couldn’t tell whether it was due to the cold or due to embarrassment. He assumed it was probably both. 

“Hey, Cas.” 

“We should go back inside, it’s f-freezing.” Castiel shivered, with only a light jacket to keep him warm. Instead of agreeing, Dean took off his sports jacket and threw it over Castiel’s shoulders. He still had his leather jacket to wear so he wouldn’t freeze to death but the gesture was appreciated just as much. “Or, that works too..” 

Dean began walking to the clearing and lake where he had saved Castiel’s life.

“Seems like forever ago we were both here.” He laughed bitterly and looked upon the lake, watching as the moon reflected off the ice. Castiel took out the pen behind his ear and looked at his arm. He wrote the name DEAN WINCHESTER in small handwriting. He let the pen fall from his hands into the snow. Castiel linked their fingers together with a sad smile.

“Thank you for saving my life.” Castiel murmured.

“No, Cas… Thank you for saving mine.” Dean’s voice was shaky, like he was about to cry as he squeezed Castiel’s hand lovingly. Castiel leaned up and kissed Dean’s perfectly chapped lips, sighing into the kiss. When they separated, Dean led Castiel to a bench and wiped off the snow. He took a seat and Castiel sat beside him. 

“I’m sorry I took so long. I wasn’t sure-”

“All that matters is right now.” Dean sounded strict, but certain. Castiel admired that tone of voice; it was so demanding and he liked the way it made him feel. He nodded with no verbal reply and laid his head on Dean’s shoulder. Dean suddenly moved and forced Castiel to himself. 

“I’ll be right back. I forgot something in the Impala.” Dean cursed to himself and ran behind the trees all the way down to the parking lot. 

Behind the shadows of the tree, Dean stepped out and passed his twin on the way to the clearing. 

In his hand behind his back, he held a prickly red rose. He beckoned for Castiel to come forward but he seemed surprised Dean had returned so quickly. With a smile, Dean motioned once again and this time Castiel came to him, tilting his head ever so slightly to show curiosity and interest. Dean revealed the rose and handed it to Castiel, who nearly cut himself on the thorns. 

“It’s lovely, Dean.” Castiel leaned against him, smelling the rose lightly. The snow had begun to fall harder. It was freezing. “I love you very much.” 

He didn’t even feel the knife slide into his stomach he had become so numb. The rose dropped out of his fingers, falling into the snow. The rose was just as red as the blood that dripped onto the snow. Castiel’s eyes looked into Dean’s ones with pain and widened at Dean’s smirk. His vision slowly became more blurry until he couldn’t see a thing. Dean pulled the knife out of Castiel’s body, which fell to the ground with a sickening thud. He looked over it and swept it across his tongue, tasting the metallic blood of his soulmate. 

He turned slowly and smirked at the person who had came running back. It was Dean. The REAL Dean. The one whose eyes gleamed whiter than the snow and whose look of anguish couldn’t begin to be described with words. He dropped to his knees at his soulmate’s body and paid no attention to the tears streaming down his face. 

“No, this isn’t happening, this can’t be..” Dean mumbled words of sadness and loss to himself but the fake Dean just cracked his neck and stared down at the real Dean with the most evil look on his identical face. 

Dean was fuming with such anger he had used as a coping mechanism. He often turned pain or sadness into anger, and when he did, it didn’t end well. With one strike, he pulled a dagger out of his coat pocket and stabbed himself in the heart. Or, at least, his doppelganger. “Damn it,” he cursed to himself, watching the body fall into the snow. 

It matched the one of the only person he could ever love. 

Dean knew that the doppelganger had been a shapeshifter, one who managed to discover his relationship with Castiel. It had to of been someone from school. But that didn’t matter anymore. That was just another monster.

But there was only one Castiel. There was only one soulmate for him. Only one person that would make him content and save his life. And now, thanks to his own foolish mistakes, that person was gone forever. 

“I should’ve told you,” Dean cried onto Castiel’s chest. “I’m sorry, Cas, I’m so fucking sorry. It’s all my fault.” It only got colder and darker as the night continued. He only moved when he was sure he couldn’t feel his fingers. “I love you more than you’ll ever know.” 

Dean stood up, and looked down at the box in his hand which was almost frozen shut. He opened it and wiped the water from his eyes to see a ring. A promise ring that he wanted to give his soulmate the moment they found each other. A metal bond that now he’d never be able to give to another person. He choked back another sob and took it out of the box, throwing the box onto the frozen lake. He let the ring slip from his fingers, falling into the snow beside Castiel where it disappeared from view.

“I will never replace you,” Dean vowed under his breath, “as long as I live… and every moment I do, I’ll be reminded of you.”

THE END.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm sorry. I wanted to cry while writing this but it just had to be done. ;-;
> 
> You're probably all too sad to comment, but you really should tell me if ya'll want a sequel. I sorta want to write one. Also, thank you so much for all the attention this story has gotten. I'm very grateful. I love you guys!! 
> 
> Well, I'll leave you to comment, vote, or... cry?


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